Tuesday, August 31, 2021
Ruin Your Own Damn Day!
“Don't let others ruin your day. Ruin your own damn day!”
I
came across this humorous statement recently and it got me thinking.
Self-sabotage is one of
those pesky, insidious realities many of us face. We can convince ourselves
we’re so together. We have a great relationship, career, family, home, and
financial portrait. We have the bases covered. We’re good. We know who we are
and what we want in life.
Humpty Dumpty, getting
ready to have a great big fall, in three, two…
Most of us are really
not aware we self-sabotage until after the fact. It’s usually after a marriage
crumbles, a job is lost, we lose a house, a car or anything that represents
stability, financial or otherwise. We are somehow, someway devastated. And
probably, what’s at that devastating center is the realization that we had a hand
in bringing it on all by ourselves. We broke our own hearts.
The Why of
Ruining Our Own Damn Day: Reason 1:
“This is
perfect.”
No better starting
point than completely unrealistic expectations, right?
Yes, in life, you and I
fixate on something or someone… and christen them as “perfect.” For all time.
In all circumstances. Without fail. We give the something or the someone a job
they were never meant to possess: the key to perfecting our own imperfection.
The problematic issue,
in the first place, is perfection itself. There is no such thing, let
alone, assigned to anything external. So, if we place faith in its existence,
we are already setting ourselves up for assured failure. We will ruin
our own damn day, via this self-sabotage method.
The Why of
Ruining Our Own Damn Day: Reason 2:
“This is so
good (so I’ll wreck it).”
If we believe in the
perfection of our designated object of our affection, we, of course, attach a
“good” label to it. This can be troublesome in a couple of ways.
First, what if the
thing we call “good” is NOT?
What if it’s harmful?
Dangerous? Not right for us?
But here we are,
thoroughly decided it’s perfect, it’s good, and there’s no other, more
complicated, more realistic explanation to it than that?
So, that’s a fun
prelude to the future ruining of our day.
And regardless of the
object of our desire’s actual status, there’s a second, more alarming aspect to
our self-sabotage. We can view that certain something or someone as being
perfect and good, so much so, that we, inherently, are unworthy of it.
We are quite worthless, in fact. We don’t deserve it. Therefore, we have no
other choice other than to ruin it for ourselves.
We ruin our own damn day
once again.
The Why of
Ruining Our Own Damn Day: Reason 3:
“Nothing
else will ever come my way again.”
Cheery outlook, isn’t
it?
Yes, while we’re all
preoccupied with these impossible, unrealistic standards and expectations about
the issues in our lives, we also add this bleak perspective to our
self-sabotaging mindsets.
We panic. We
apply end-all, be-all importance to our designated idol of fulfillment. There are no other buses coming our way,
taking us to our destinations. Better hop on this thing, then, for all its
worth!
A big part of what
fuels this self-sabotage tactic involves the oppressive, black or white, all or
nothing way of thinking. If we entertain that line of assessing something, it
usually won’t be too long before we cross into the “or else” nature of this
faulty belief. Indeed, we can wrongly determine that absolutely nothing and no
one else can come close to our own perfect and chosen “idol.” We stand in
judgment of anything else coming close. We are judge, jury and executioner. We
pulverize and kill.
We ruin our own damn day,
yet again.
Yet, it’s still not a
hopeless, despair-filled death sentence.
Yes, it looks grim,
this human tendency to destroy ourselves and our lives. Yet, if we are aware of
these propensities to do so, to ruin our own stuff, we can, hopefully, make another
choice. We can choose. We can choose something different.
We need to take responsibility for ourselves, including our decisions,
conscious or unconscious, to self-sabotage.
Now that we are aware,
what will we do? What will we do with our days?
Copyright © 2021 by
Sheryle Cruse
Narcissistic Abuse: The Playground Edition
Most of us probably view Narcissism
as an adult issue.
And, most of us have been bullied as
children.
What if the two were one and the
same?
My first encounter, beyond the
familiar childhood wounding from my family of origin, was when I was in grade
school, with my first “best friend.”
Grooming kicked in already at the
tender age of six. Yes, I was groomed to choose another six-year-old Narcissist
as my best friend. I was groomed to endure bullying as a normal part of
friendship and child’s play.
I didn’t know that’s what was
happening at the time. Being a first grader, there was no language for what I
was experiencing, other than “she’s acting mean” and “I don’t know what I did
wrong.”
Now, many years later, after
learning more about some of the inner mechanisms of abuse, I see how insidious
and pervasive Narcissistic abuse can be for the individual. It’s not something
we only encounter as we reach some settled, mature adulthood. It often does
start in childhood. And it stretches far beyond that of bullying and “kids are
cruel.”
For the purposes of anonymity, let’
call my best friend, “Sharon.” She was the first playdate I was introduced to,
shortly before I started Kindergarten. Sharon and I were raised in a small
town, rural setting. I was an only child, so I was already hungry for
companionship and connection. Sharon had siblings. Most of my peers did. I was
somehow, the odd man out, being sibling-less. Perhaps it’s paranoia, but I
often felt, even as a small child, that there was a judgment from both kids and
adults alike, scrutinizing me with a “What’s wrong with her? Why is it just
her?”
I often felt like a freak for my
sibling-less status.
And maybe this sent out some
unconscious, desperate signal, making me ripe for the picking. Again, I was
desperate for friendship. I had become well-versed in keeping myself occupied,
all by myself. But I was a social animal.
My friendship with Sharon started
out friendly enough. We played with dolls. Our parents took us to events; there
were sleepovers. I’ll never know how Sharon felt about me having no brothers or
sisters. She always complained about hers. I’d spent my childhood hearing
things like, “It must be so great to be an only child. You must get everything
you want!”
(Not quite).
Encountering the sibling situation
of Sharon and my other friends, indeed, the extra people did feel strange.
Sibling rivalry, fights, teasing and assorted roughhousing were all foreign
territory for me. Once my bullying experiences started in childhood, I often
wondered if my lack of this sibling stuff, somehow, made me softer, “too
sensitive.” Maybe if I had a brother or sister, it would “toughen me up,”
enough so, that other kids would view me as worthy, not strange.
Again, was every bit of this simply
stage-setting, grooming me for the Narcissistic abuse of childhood AND
adulthood?
I still wonder.
The Silent Treatment:
My first experiences with this
abuse from Sharon happened, like I said, in first grade. At recess. On the
playground. I don’t remember the official kickoff of the behavior. Just
suddenly, Sharon was mad at me and employed the silent treatment. It seemed to
happen daily. She’d freeze me out, and, of course, because I wanted us to be
friends, I kept chasing after her, apologizing, although, I never knew what I
was apologizing for.
Sound familiar to anyone out there?
Day after day, recess after recess,
she’d ignore me, going out of her way to make sure I was not included in any
kind of games. And, day after day, I’d come running, apologizing profusely. She
then seemed delighted by that and she decided we were friends again.
Until the next bout of silent treatment.
That was, until one recess period,
I didn’t chase her; I didn’t apologize. Instead, I found someone else to play
with. And, of course, that sent her reeling. When she “complained” to this
newer recess friend about why I wasn’t responding in my usual fashion, this girl
responded, “She got tired of saying she was sorry because you were always mean
to her.”
Out of the mouths of babes, huh?
That was a watershed moment for my
six-year-old self. I felt empowered and educated. I saw, for the first time,
how a child could, indeed, be manipulative with another child. Not exactly news
flash material, but my eyes were now opened in a way they needed to be for me
to survive childhood, and certainly, the first grade.
Punishment: Flying
Monkeys…Only Eleven Year Old’s:
Time marched on concerning my grade
school experiences. And, soon enough, despite my knowledge of Sharon’s tactics,
despite my process of befriending other peers, I still encountered her punishment.
I was punished for seeking companionship outside of her. Enter the mean
girl phenomena.
I really don’t what it is exactly.
Is it something they put in the hot lunches?
Is it hormones? Is it nature? Is it nurture?
But, sure enough, around the
fourth-to-fifth grade marker, I was besieged by mean girls, in Narcissistic
terminology, “Flying Monkeys,” Ã la Sharon.
Such fun.
The Smear Campaign:
Yes, for daring to
establish friendships and play with other girls, I was punished, and, in
Narcissistic terminology, once again, it manifested as the Smear Campaign, even
if it was a child’s version of it.
Cliché stuff, of course:
being shunned, crank phone calls, nasty notes, spread rumors. I was having a
difficult enough time as it was; I certainly wasn’t a popular kid. But these
tactics, further enforced by the Flying Monkey Mean Girls, the designated minions
hired to do Sharon’s bidding, made life and school miserable for me. It may
have also sent further unpopular messages to my entire class, at large. I felt
like it was open season, that there was some invisible target on my back that
conveyed to the other kids just how much of a loser I was.
Again, so much of this
is cliché, but, cliché stuff does not mean it was any less painful and personal
to experience.
No Resolution, Just
Frustration:
As each grade came and went, as
Sharon and I grew older, I witnessed the inevitable growing pain changes of
insecure pre-teens becoming insecure adolescents, all jockeying for some
position of power, status and personal sovereignty.
Not for the faint of heart, mind
you.
Sharon and I grew up in the same
school system, encountering one another, for the full twelve years. As the
years unfolded, not surprisingly, our lives took different paths.
Sharon, eventually, after years of
struggle, fighting and social climbing, did, in fact, become “popular.” And,
once she attained that standing, she appeared to be more peaceful about life.
I, however, not surprisingly, was not a popular kid. I was active, involved in
the arts, in speech, in writing, all things that paled in attention when
athletics came into the picture. If I was certain about one thing as a kid, it
was that I was NOT an athlete. (I still have terrible physical education flashbacks).
Sharon and I were cordial enough,
by adolescence. Yet, I always felt this tension from her. And sometimes, I
experienced an attitude of entitlement. Was that from being popular? Or was she
still insecure and looking for a way to feel superiority over me? I cannot say
for sure.
But I do know there was never any
resolution concerning our relationship. We never had any deep discussions about
things; there was no closure. Only this feeling of “loose ends,” of confusion,
of a knowing, on my part, that I was not safe with her. So, I reasoned, it was
best to keep things at surface level, for my own protection.
We haven’t been in touch since
those high school years. I often wonder if she turned into some full-blown
Narcissistic. Does she blow up her relationships? Is she simply “moody?” Has
she changed?
I don’t know. But I do know I
received a Narcissistic abuse template as a child. And, as I’ve matured into
adulthood, I see certain recurring themes: insecurity at being “enough,”
chronic apologizing, “settling” for mistreatment. It’s these issues (and more)
that I’m working on improving, if not healing. It is slow going.
Some people may say, “Get over it.
You were kids.” I hear that. But it simply is not that easy and clearcut. They
are called formative years for a reason.
But I am going forward with the
lessons I learned from childhood. And yes, Sharon was a powerful teacher.
Narcissistic abuse can exist out of
the mouths- and hearts- of babes. A child, yes, unfortunately, can be abusive.
Copyright ©
2021 by Sheryle Cruse
Make Someone Happy?
The famous entertainer, Jimmy Durante once sang a
song, “Make Someone Happy.” This was in an era in which, perhaps, we were less
sophisticated about relationships. There was an emphasis on finding the love of
your life, marrying that person, having children with that
person… and then, living “happily ever after” with them.
If we play the song today, at first listen, it seems
to be a happy little ditty, an innocent tune.
But I hear something potentially darker, even self-negating.
“It's so important
to
Make someone happy,
Make just one
someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that
cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you're ev'rything to.
Fame if you win
it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where's the real
stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the
answer,
Someone to love
is the answer.
Once you've found
her, build your world around her.
Make someone
happy,
Make just one
someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.”
See anything?
Let’s explore these lyrics a little more.
“It's so
important to
Make someone happy…”
Innocuous
sentiment.
What’s the harm
in that?
Can’t we all
agree that, yes, it is important to spread joy to others? But do we make others
happy, at our expense?
Ah, there’s the
dilemma.
For how many of
us sacrifice ourselves, hurt ourselves, all in the name of making someone
happy?
What do we
swallow, suppress, hide, lie about or refuse to discuss?
Think about it.
“…Make just one someone happy…”
Why can’t that “just
someone” be you and me? Why does it always have to be someone else “other?”
Here’s where we
seem to place tremendous value on external “other” validation. Something isn’t
real unless and until it’s outside of us, garnering the impact and
acclaim of someone else. “Making someone happy” falls under that heading.
“…Make just one heart the heart you sing to,
One smile that
cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you…”
Again, why can’t
that be you and me?
Why does it
always have to be someone else “other?”
And here’s
another sticky point: why is there all emphasis placed on creating a happy
moment? What if, for example, we needed to have a “come to Jesus” discussion
about less pleasant, but necessary, issues like money and interpersonal
challenges?
Many of us may
have never heard Durante’s song lyrics, yet, how many of us place sole
importance on making everything happy, at the expense of other important- and
needed- emotions and circumstances?
How many times
have issues not been appropriately handled because the jolly smile was what was
viewed as the most important thing to achieve?
“…One girl you're ev'rything to…”
Oh, dear! Here we
go! Unrealistic “Everything?” Really?
Yes, I suppose,
once upon a time, there existed the concept that a person was your everything.
And, in the first infatuated stages of love, that can feel real. It can feel
doable.
But eventually,
life (and love) moves on… at least it should move on, anyway. Bills need
to get paid. Someone needs to go to the dentist. There are obligations, PTA
meetings, someone needs to take Fluffy to the vet for her shots. The stuff of
life.
And let’s not
forget the other relationships we have in our lives: family, friends,
co-workers, etc. There are numerous ways for each of us to find fulfillment,
besides lumping it all on one single person. Doing just that is unfair and a
recipe for failure.
Just wait. The
“everything” promise, attached to any single human being, is a countdown clock
for disappointment and heartbreak.
And, on a side
note, expecting “the little woman” to fulfill every need, hope and dream, is
misogynistic and unrealistic. Before we dismiss this as merely, an
anachronistic lyric of its time, we still, if we’re honest, catch ourselves
expecting nothing short of everything from the females in our lives: our
mothers, wives, girlfriends, some “Superwoman,” who will magically swoop in and
fix all of our problems.
Where’s that
countdown clock of imminent failure? I hear it ticking.
“…Fame if you win
it,
Comes and goes in a minute….”
Agreed.
“…Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?...”
Is “other” more
real than us, all by ourselves?
What value,
exactly, do we place on doing the deeply personal work involving ourselves? Therapy,
facing issues, working on our personal growth? Any points for that?
Or, is it all
about finding that perfect, “love of your life,” expecting him or her to
perfect your “everything?”
Everything is
meaningless and on pause until that happens? Really?
“…Love is the answer…”
Okay, sure. It is
an answer…
But, as wonderful
as love can be, there are other worthwhile things as well: personal
development, goalsetting, discovery and adventure. These things can exist
without the “love of a life” happening.
Just saying.
“…Someone to love is the answer…”
Again, if we pin
all importance, all meaning of life, onto one sole individual to love, we’re
setting ourselves up for disappointment. Loving connection with a person is
important, but it should never replace us doing our own work, the hard work of
personal inventory, growth, developing healthy self-esteem, spirituality, goals
and talents. “Loving someone” isn’t going to cut it if we have nothing, in and
of ourselves, to offer that someone.
And of course, we
need to love ourselves before we seek that “other” someone to love. Doing that
work is a big part of “the answer.”
“…Once you've found her, build your world around her…”
Again, could you please
build your own world around yourself first?
Our sense of self
must first be there. How will we know who is the fitting person for us to love
if we are completely clueless about who we are?
We tend,
especially in this culture, to believe that we are some unfinished half of a
puzzle, just waiting to find our corresponding soul mate, the completing other
half of the puzzle.
Our dream man.
Our dream woman.
And they are out
there. Oh, yes! We just need to keep looking for them. Meanwhile, we
neglect to discover and know ourselves.
And because of
that neglect, we are far from the dream, ourselves. In fact, if
we’re being honest, our clueless puzzle pieces, woefully ignorant of what truly
makes us tick, are NIGHTMARES to behold!
We have failed to
build our own world around who we truly are, single, autonomous.
“…Make someone
happy…”
How about having
it be you first, without any other “them?”
“…Make just one someone happy…”
Again, how about having it be you, all by yourself, first?
“…And you will be happy, too…”
Let’s just
eliminate the middleman.
It’s not about
being selfish, self-indulgent or Narcissistic. It’s about taking care of who we
are, in real ways, without involving someone else. There are certain
things that are our responsibility… and no one else’s.
Unfortunately, we
often abdicate that throne, while saddling someone else with the burden of “making
us happy.” When we do this, inevitably, sooner or later, everyone in the
picture will be miserable.
Love oneself.
Know oneself.
Tend to thine own
garden.
You cannot pour
from an empty cup.
We hear these
things frequently because there is always truth in them. It’s about
first things being first.
We need to make
ourselves happy first… and then find ways to spread THAT around!
Let’s start
singing those lyrics.
Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse
Monday, August 30, 2021
Sunday, August 29, 2021
The Root of All Evil?
I’ve
noticed, as a person of faith, that 1 Timothy 6:10 often gets
misquoted:
“For the love of money is the root of all
evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and
pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”
Most
of the time, people insist the scripture states how money is the root of all
evil.
Nope.
As
human beings, we, so often, get money all wrong: its purpose, its pleasure, its
very existence in our daily lives.
Yes,
money IS an issue, for each of us.
And
we’ve all heard the phrase, “Money is no object.”
But
it turns out to be the exact opposite of reality, in fact, doesn’t it?
So,
let’s take a little stroll through money and see what it is about this sucker
that can bring so much promise… and pain.
Money
is an amplifier.
Do
you ever notice that what we spend our money on seems to indicate a kind of
theme, sometimes, an exaggerated, caricature-infused theme, to who we are as
individuals?
For
instance, if we look at our bank statements and see how we spent $3,000 last month
at GummyBears Forever.com, it might not be a gigantic leap to assume we have a
sweet tooth, or at least a gummy tooth. We like candy.
And
our “candy” can be anything.
Clothes.
Shoes. Drugs. Charities that help starving children or cute, fuzzy animals.
Creepy porcelain dolls that keep staring at you wherever you stand in the room.
What
we value is what, sooner or later, we buy, or, at least, try to find a
way to buy.
Look
at your own ledger right now. What is your theme?
Money
amplifies. If we want to improve and help a situation, it’s an amplifier
of that intention. If we want debauchery, it can, also, likewise,
amplify that as well.
And,
more than likely, we’ll need bail money.
It’s
not about shaming anyone for their guilty pleasures. We need a bit of that in
our lives, from time to time.
But
it speaks to the issues of our hearts and what they focus on. What is
that… truly? And be honest.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows
from it.”
Proverbs 4:23
Is
it something that that can bring healing… or destruction? We have a say in
creating that reality. What will we choose?
Money
is a tool.
“… money answereth all things.”
Ecclesiastes 10:19
By
itself, money is neutral. It’s when the attachments and the associations come
onboard that we seem to run into problems.
For
some of us, that may mean we demonize money as “bad,” as something that only
encompasses greed and corruption.
Perhaps,
we were instructed as children that money is carnal, sinful, lustful.
Maybe
we were shamed for saving coins in our piggy banks.
Money
can fund charities, feed the homeless, cure disease, offer practical, needed
help the very second it’s needed, provided IF it’s allowed to function
in that capacity as a tool.
And
that largely depends on us.
Money
is a tool, like a hammer. We can build with it. It can be used to protect,
nurture, and help.
Money
is a weapon.
Or,
conversely, money, like that of a hammer, can be used as a weapon.
Yes,
a hammer can also destroy as easily as it can build; a hammer can kill or maim.
It all depends upon the person holding it.
Just
like money.
“For the love of money is the root of all
evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and
pierced themselves through with many sorrows.”
1 Timothy 6:10
And
again, we’re back to greed, along with its offspring like corruption,
extortion, murder, theft.
And,
before we get too smug with ourselves, reassuring ourselves that we don’t
engage in any of that extreme behavior, that we’re not criminals, we are
brought back to day-to-day reality, all the same.
Money
can be weaponized in smaller, more subtle ways. We can view money as a means
with which to control, exert power, and even perpetuate toxic love.
And
we can all be guilty of doing this within the context of relationships. We can
dangle the hope, the false promise over someone, assuring them that, yes, if
he/she agrees to certain arrangements or parameters, then, indeed, there will
be a payoff, making the whole thing worthwhile.
But
it isn’t that clear cut, is it?
After
all, there exists the phrase, “when you marry for money, you get what you pay
for” for a reason.
A
price will be paid.
And
what is the payment? Your life? Your health? Your sanity?
Is
that a fair trade?
Each
of us, then, perhaps, would do well to remember we can just as easily harm
someone by our attitudes and actions concerning money, as help them. Our
thoughts can determine our deeds.
Will
we allow ourselves to use money as a weapon, in big or small ways?
Money
is a Healer.
Before
we fall into despair that money is just too hopeless when handled by us mere
mortals, we also have the capacity to employ it as a healing instrument.
Again,
it speaks to opportunity… and our willingness to TAKE the opportunity.
“Withhold not good from them to whom it is
due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it.”
Proverbs 3:27
The
decision to allow for healing is not passive. It requires deliberate,
conscious, action-filled caring and intention.
Money
is no object. Indeed, it is not.
Rather,
it is a portal of a fully alive and engaged life-sustaining force. But we need to
choose that life option for ourselves, each time we deal with money.
Will we?
Copyright © 2021 by Sheryle Cruse
Friday, August 27, 2021
Outstanding in That Capacity
It’s a rite of teenage passage for most of us, Generation X
and beyond: watching the John Hughes film, “The Breakfast Club.” It
brilliantly captures the angst, the struggles and the uncomfortable truth of
the teenage years, via our characters, labeled as “The Brain,” “The Athlete,”
“The Basket Case,” “The Princess” and “The Criminal.”
It’s these last two types, especially, that have most
recently caught my attention.
Not long ago, I re-watched the movie, many years post my
adolescence, and, whether it’s generic hindsight or my sensitivity to abuse, I
found myself noting some disturbing relationship dynamics between “The Princess”
and “The Criminal.” Maybe you’ll concur.
How It Starts…
We’re introduced to our teens, summoned to a Saturday
detention for various reasons. Within minutes of the movie’s start, “The
Princess’s” crimes are that of ditching school to go shopping.
Looking at her attire, “The Princess,” named Claire, we see
how yes, she appears to be upper middle class, being dropped off at the school
in her father’s BMW, wearing expensive clothes.
In stark contrast, our introduction to “The Criminal” (named
John Bender), has him walking to the school, every bit the loner, dressed in
sunglasses, flannel, denim and a long trench coat. He emits tough guy and
“antisocial.”
As the students gather, there are hostile sparks flying
between our Princess and our Criminal. He makes suggestive comments. At one
point, Bender encourages the other male, “The Athlete,” Andrew, “Let’s get
the Prom Queen impregnated.”
Yeah. Sexual harassment at its teenage finest, everyone.
After some antagonizing back and forth, Claire advises the
gang to just ignore Bender. To which he responds, “Sweets, you couldn’t
ignore me if you tried.”
I immediately remembered the sage advice given to many of us
out there as children, “If a boy or girl likes you, they pick on you.” (Hence
the hair pulling, hitting, spit balls and other assorted bullying many of us
endured).
Being Protective?
Anyway, it appears there’s nothing but annoyance and
animosity going on between Claire and Bender. However, as the day unfolds, with
angry exchanges between the high school principal, Richard Vernon, and “The
Criminal,” communication involving insults from both parties, we, as the
audience, start seeing some early protective attempts, on behalf of John.
Because of their heated conversation, Bender gets two more months
of detention ordered by Vernon. Their argument is intense, so much so, as this
school principal ratchets up the detention Saturdays for Bender, Claire pleads
to him, shouting, “Cut it OUT!” She then silently mouths, “Stop!”
Not long after, when Claire complains about the relational
dynamics between her parents, along with the threat of potential divorce, Bender
asks, “Who do you like better?... If you had to choose between them…”
“The Athlete,” Andrew, confronts John about his uncomfortable
line of questioning and interacting with Claire. Eventually, as the Saturday
detention session goes on, each of the teens engage in more personal discussion,
revealing some vulnerable truths, especially about their family structures.
And, it is here where we see Bender’s abusive reality.
He roleplays a disturbing parental exchange, describing what a night in his
household is like. This includes name calling, with expletives, verbal abuse,
culminating with an unsettling father-son confrontation…
“No, Dad, what about you?”
“F*** you!”
“No, Dad, what about you?”
“F*** you!”
Bender ends this
role play, finally escalating with a simulated punch to the face. There is a
stunned, silent reaction from the teenagers at this revelation.
And, it is here where we see the first real vulnerable cracks
of our “bad boy.” You can see the hurt, the pain, the dysfunction of his life.
Many of us, especially us codependents, are often drawn in, wanting to rescue
such an individual.
Cruel Perception…
Yes, we, the audience, cannot help but feel compassion for
John. Principal Vernon further kicks a dog when he is down. In, perhaps, an
attempt to “make an example” of “The Criminal,” this educator proceeds to
dismiss his humanity and core value…
“Look at him. He’s a bum.
You want to see something funny? You go see John Bender in five years…”
Again, there appears to be an emphasis on writing off this
“lowlife” teen. He’s not worth it. There’s nothing more to him than
one-dimensional trouble.
On Relationships…
However, like Claire, we are, somehow, intrigued by him. We
still don’t give up on him. We want the movie happy ending, I suppose. For,
despite the sexual innuendo, the name calling, the insults and the tough
demeanor, Bender compels us, doesn’t he? He makes us want to root for him. He
makes us want to understand him, take care of him and even love him, doesn’t
he?
There’s one point within the storyline, in which Claire and
Bender are hanging out together, looking through each other’s stuff. We see
Claire flipping through the photos of girls John keeps in his wallet. Bender,
likewise, is spraying her perfume, one of the many cosmetic items she carries
in her purse. At one point, it looks like he’s using Claire’s eyebrow comb to
brush his teeth, as he stares into her compact.
A bit cringeworthy, I must say.
Anyway, the two of them discuss relationships. Claire asks
about the many photos, offering the challenge of the “one guy, one girl”
dynamic for him to consider. It looks like things may be getting a little too
personal and uncomfortable for Bender, so much so, looking at all of the
scattered purse contents, he blurts out, “How come you have so much s*** in
your purse?” Claire responds…
“I don’t know. I guess
I can never throw anything away.”
And Bender, referencing the many wallet photos, answers back…
“Neither do I.”
Yikes.
The “bad boy,” once again, reminds us of how relationships
are not often viewed and treated by him in the healthiest of manners. He has
trouble with a committed relationship. He needs to have a girl in every port.
Yes, we may be intrigued by the “danger,” the excitement,
even the “two different worlds colliding” element of it all. Still, should we accept
that as the baseline for how we are treated within a serious love relationship?
I think not.
Confrontation…
As the detention Saturday continues for our cast of
characters, we are not done with the harsh remarks, bandied back and forth,
between “The Princess” and “The Criminal.”
Indeed, as each of the detention teens are sitting in a
circle in the school library, they cover a range of uncomfortable topics: sexuality,
image, achievement, painful parental relationships, perfectionism.
Inevitably, each one of them, are confronted with status and
class.
Yes, we’re all aware of the adolescent hierarchy that exists
within a high school structure. There are various “tiers” of value and
importance. Claire and Andrew, perhaps, represent that top tier, “the popular
kids.” Brian, “The Brain,” perceived as nerdlike, settles somewhere in the
middle, as his academic achievement has him possessing a certain role and function
as a student. Allison, “The Basket Case,” is probably set lower within the
hierarchy, as she is the misunderstood loner, dressed in all black, possessing erratic
behavior. And, lastly, of course, we have John Bender, our “Criminal.” Within
the context of high school hierarchy, he is at the very bottom.
So, as these teens hash out issues, once again, there is
clashing between Claire and Bender. Here is where they spew intensely pointed
remarks at one another…
“God, you’re so
pathetic… I like those earrings, Claire… I bet those were a Christmas present,
weren’t they…go home and cry to your daddy. Don’t cry here…”
Bender continues his insults, telling her to stick to things
she knows about, like shopping, nail polish, and “your father’s BMW and your
poor drunk mother in the Caribbean.”
Claire, clearly at the point of breaking, sobs, “I hate
you so much right now!”
Bender snarls, “Yeah? Good!”
It’s brutal to watch. In the middle of the truth telling, in
the middle of adolescent angst, we are still faced with cruelty, which seems to
have no age limit. Out of the mouths of babes?
It’s unsettling.
The Basis of a Solid Relationship?
As the film winds down, we witness a conversation between
“The Princess” and “The Criminal.” Claire sneaks into the supply closet, Bender’s
solitary isolation spot. With a stroke of boldness, Claire leans in, to give
John a kiss on the neck.
“Why’d you do that?”
Claire responds, “Because I knew you wouldn’t.”
Eh, maybe not the best communication dynamic going on here,
but hey, they’re just getting to know each other, right? Maybe there’s hope,
we, the audience reason.
Eventually, John asks a certain question…
“You know how you said
before how your parents use each other to get back at each other? Wouldn’t I be
OUTSTANDING in that capacity?”
Eh, red flag alert? At first, we may be lulled into an “Awwh,
isn’t that sweet?” response.
But let’s just pause for a second here and look a little
closer at what that question means.
“Wouldn’t I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?”
Remember, we’ve spent the last one hour and thirty-seven
minutes getting to know these characters. We have witnessed, within that time,
a series of inappropriate, hurtful and dysfunctional interactions between
Claire and Bender.
And now, suddenly, everything is hunky dory?
What about the more serious issues, experienced by both
characters? What about abuse? What about drug use? What about sexual views? What
about radical family differences? What about healthy self-esteem? Where is that
found in either character? What needs to be worked on and healed?
And will the two of them do just that?
Or, will abuse and dysfunction cycles continue to exist as we
see how the two of them are, indeed, “Outstanding in that capacity,” fully
hurting each other? Will Bender, sooner or later, give Claire a black eye or a
busted lip? Will she stay in the relationship if he does?
And, let’s not forget, their brains haven’t even fully
formed yet.
No, none of that is going to be neatly resolved in this
relationship, without some bumps in the road.
But, yes, we, the audience, want the happy love story
ending, right? We don’t want to think about how that love story may not be so
happy, healthy or possible.
Wrapping It
Up?
Okay, so we know how the story ends. (Spoiler alert, in case
you haven’t seen the movie).
“The Athlete” and “The Basket Case” become a couple. “The
Brain” feels some pride and self-esteem, while being appointed the group paper
writer. And yes, of course, “The Criminal and “The Princess” couple up.
We’re left with Claire and Bender kissing goodbye before
Claire gets into her father’s BMW. Before she does, she places one of her
diamond earrings into John’s fingerless gloves, closing that hand with hers on
top. They kiss. As she leaves, Bender fastens that earring in his ear, walking
home, through the football field, with a bit of a spring in his step. We
believe he’s found the love and validation, so much so, the film ends with his
triumphant fist raised in the air. The movie freezes on that image. The song, “Don’t
You Forget About Me,” by Simple Minds, plays.
Ta-dah! All is well. Even though, Bender’s going home to an
abusive family setting. But he found teenage love and is wearing a diamond
earring of the rich girl he’s spent the past hour and a half disdaining and
insulting.
Sounds great to me.
Sigh: some of it’s the hopeless romantic in me. Some of the
sigh is uneasiness.
The Takeaway:
Have I ruined the nostalgic memories of your teenage youth?
It’s just a movie from the 1980s. It’s fiction; the characters aren’t real.
Yes, that’s all true, but the mixed, confused messages, perhaps, are all too
real. “Good Girl” and “Bad Guy” archetypes are hard to kill. What is the agenda
driving them?
It’s a precarious thing, especially for those of us who’ve
endured any form of abuse. What are we to do with a storyline in which the
lovebirds berate, insult and humiliate each other, to only fall in love with
each other, without healing any of those boiling issues?
Let’s get real about these fictional characters: “The Princess”
and “The Criminal” will probably not seek couples’ counseling. They probably
won’t “beat the odds.”
They will hurt each other.
Perhaps, “The Breakfast Club” is more cautionary tale than
teen flick. Perhaps is a wakeup call for each one of us, in “a couple” or not, to
get healthy and challenge our own identity and personal issues.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Socrates
To paraphrase the film’s famous song, “don’t you forget about
that.”
Copyright © 2021 by
Sheryle Cruse
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