Outstanding in That Capacity

It’s a rite of teenage passage for most of us, Generation X and beyond: watching the John Hughes film, “The Breakfast Club.” It brilliantly captures the angst, the struggles and the uncomfortable truth of the teenage years, via our characters, labeled as “The Brain,” “The Athlete,” “The Basket Case,” “The Princess” and “The Criminal.”

It’s these last two types, especially, that have most recently caught my attention.

Not long ago, I re-watched the movie, many years post my adolescence, and, whether it’s generic hindsight or my sensitivity to abuse, I found myself noting some disturbing relationship dynamics between “The Princess” and “The Criminal.” Maybe you’ll concur.

How It Starts…

We’re introduced to our teens, summoned to a Saturday detention for various reasons. Within minutes of the movie’s start, “The Princess’s” crimes are that of ditching school to go shopping.

Looking at her attire, “The Princess,” named Claire, we see how yes, she appears to be upper middle class, being dropped off at the school in her father’s BMW, wearing expensive clothes.

In stark contrast, our introduction to “The Criminal” (named John Bender), has him walking to the school, every bit the loner, dressed in sunglasses, flannel, denim and a long trench coat. He emits tough guy and “antisocial.”

As the students gather, there are hostile sparks flying between our Princess and our Criminal. He makes suggestive comments. At one point, Bender encourages the other male, “The Athlete,” Andrew, “Let’s get the Prom Queen impregnated.”

Yeah. Sexual harassment at its teenage finest, everyone.

After some antagonizing back and forth, Claire advises the gang to just ignore Bender. To which he responds, “Sweets, you couldn’t ignore me if you tried.”

I immediately remembered the sage advice given to many of us out there as children, “If a boy or girl likes you, they pick on you.” (Hence the hair pulling, hitting, spit balls and other assorted bullying many of us endured).

Being Protective?

Anyway, it appears there’s nothing but annoyance and animosity going on between Claire and Bender. However, as the day unfolds, with angry exchanges between the high school principal, Richard Vernon, and “The Criminal,” communication involving insults from both parties, we, as the audience, start seeing some early protective attempts, on behalf of John.

Because of their heated conversation, Bender gets two more months of detention ordered by Vernon. Their argument is intense, so much so, as this school principal ratchets up the detention Saturdays for Bender, Claire pleads to him, shouting, “Cut it OUT!” She then silently mouths, “Stop!”

Not long after, when Claire complains about the relational dynamics between her parents, along with the threat of potential divorce, Bender asks, “Who do you like better?... If you had to choose between them…”

“The Athlete,” Andrew, confronts John about his uncomfortable line of questioning and interacting with Claire. Eventually, as the Saturday detention session goes on, each of the teens engage in more personal discussion, revealing some vulnerable truths, especially about their family structures.

And, it is here where we see Bender’s abusive reality. He roleplays a disturbing parental exchange, describing what a night in his household is like. This includes name calling, with expletives, verbal abuse, culminating with an unsettling father-son confrontation…

“No, Dad, what about you?”

“F*** you!”
“No, Dad, what about you?”

“F*** you!”
Bender ends this role play, finally escalating with a simulated punch to the face. There is a stunned, silent reaction from the teenagers at this revelation.

And, it is here where we see the first real vulnerable cracks of our “bad boy.” You can see the hurt, the pain, the dysfunction of his life. Many of us, especially us codependents, are often drawn in, wanting to rescue such an individual.

Cruel Perception…

Yes, we, the audience, cannot help but feel compassion for John. Principal Vernon further kicks a dog when he is down. In, perhaps, an attempt to “make an example” of “The Criminal,” this educator proceeds to dismiss his humanity and core value…

 “Look at him. He’s a bum. You want to see something funny? You go see John Bender in five years…”

Again, there appears to be an emphasis on writing off this “lowlife” teen. He’s not worth it. There’s nothing more to him than one-dimensional trouble.

On Relationships…

However, like Claire, we are, somehow, intrigued by him. We still don’t give up on him. We want the movie happy ending, I suppose. For, despite the sexual innuendo, the name calling, the insults and the tough demeanor, Bender compels us, doesn’t he? He makes us want to root for him. He makes us want to understand him, take care of him and even love him, doesn’t he?

There’s one point within the storyline, in which Claire and Bender are hanging out together, looking through each other’s stuff. We see Claire flipping through the photos of girls John keeps in his wallet. Bender, likewise, is spraying her perfume, one of the many cosmetic items she carries in her purse. At one point, it looks like he’s using Claire’s eyebrow comb to brush his teeth, as he stares into her compact.

A bit cringeworthy, I must say.

Anyway, the two of them discuss relationships. Claire asks about the many photos, offering the challenge of the “one guy, one girl” dynamic for him to consider. It looks like things may be getting a little too personal and uncomfortable for Bender, so much so, looking at all of the scattered purse contents, he blurts out, “How come you have so much s*** in your purse?” Claire responds…

 “I don’t know. I guess I can never throw anything away.”

And Bender, referencing the many wallet photos, answers back…

“Neither do I.”

Yikes.

The “bad boy,” once again, reminds us of how relationships are not often viewed and treated by him in the healthiest of manners. He has trouble with a committed relationship. He needs to have a girl in every port.

Yes, we may be intrigued by the “danger,” the excitement, even the “two different worlds colliding” element of it all. Still, should we accept that as the baseline for how we are treated within a serious love relationship? I think not.

Confrontation…

As the detention Saturday continues for our cast of characters, we are not done with the harsh remarks, bandied back and forth, between “The Princess” and “The Criminal.”

Indeed, as each of the detention teens are sitting in a circle in the school library, they cover a range of uncomfortable topics: sexuality, image, achievement, painful parental relationships, perfectionism.

Inevitably, each one of them, are confronted with status and class.

Yes, we’re all aware of the adolescent hierarchy that exists within a high school structure. There are various “tiers” of value and importance. Claire and Andrew, perhaps, represent that top tier, “the popular kids.” Brian, “The Brain,” perceived as nerdlike, settles somewhere in the middle, as his academic achievement has him possessing a certain role and function as a student. Allison, “The Basket Case,” is probably set lower within the hierarchy, as she is the misunderstood loner, dressed in all black, possessing erratic behavior. And, lastly, of course, we have John Bender, our “Criminal.” Within the context of high school hierarchy, he is at the very bottom.

So, as these teens hash out issues, once again, there is clashing between Claire and Bender. Here is where they spew intensely pointed remarks at one another…

 “God, you’re so pathetic… I like those earrings, Claire… I bet those were a Christmas present, weren’t they…go home and cry to your daddy. Don’t cry here…”

Bender continues his insults, telling her to stick to things she knows about, like shopping, nail polish, and “your father’s BMW and your poor drunk mother in the Caribbean.”

Claire, clearly at the point of breaking, sobs, “I hate you so much right now!”

Bender snarls, “Yeah? Good!”

It’s brutal to watch. In the middle of the truth telling, in the middle of adolescent angst, we are still faced with cruelty, which seems to have no age limit. Out of the mouths of babes?

It’s unsettling.

The Basis of a Solid Relationship?

As the film winds down, we witness a conversation between “The Princess” and “The Criminal.” Claire sneaks into the supply closet, Bender’s solitary isolation spot. With a stroke of boldness, Claire leans in, to give John a kiss on the neck.

“Why’d you do that?”

Claire responds, “Because I knew you wouldn’t.”

Eh, maybe not the best communication dynamic going on here, but hey, they’re just getting to know each other, right? Maybe there’s hope, we, the audience reason.

Eventually, John asks a certain question…

 “You know how you said before how your parents use each other to get back at each other? Wouldn’t I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?”

Eh, red flag alert? At first, we may be lulled into an “Awwh, isn’t that sweet?” response.

But let’s just pause for a second here and look a little closer at what that question means.

“Wouldn’t I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?”

Remember, we’ve spent the last one hour and thirty-seven minutes getting to know these characters. We have witnessed, within that time, a series of inappropriate, hurtful and dysfunctional interactions between Claire and Bender.

And now, suddenly, everything is hunky dory?

What about the more serious issues, experienced by both characters? What about abuse? What about drug use? What about sexual views? What about radical family differences? What about healthy self-esteem? Where is that found in either character? What needs to be worked on and healed?

And will the two of them do just that?

Or, will abuse and dysfunction cycles continue to exist as we see how the two of them are, indeed, “Outstanding in that capacity,” fully hurting each other? Will Bender, sooner or later, give Claire a black eye or a busted lip? Will she stay in the relationship if he does?

And, let’s not forget, their brains haven’t even fully formed yet.

No, none of that is going to be neatly resolved in this relationship, without some bumps in the road.

But, yes, we, the audience, want the happy love story ending, right? We don’t want to think about how that love story may not be so happy, healthy or possible.

Wrapping It Up?

Okay, so we know how the story ends. (Spoiler alert, in case you haven’t seen the movie).

“The Athlete” and “The Basket Case” become a couple. “The Brain” feels some pride and self-esteem, while being appointed the group paper writer. And yes, of course, “The Criminal and “The Princess” couple up.

We’re left with Claire and Bender kissing goodbye before Claire gets into her father’s BMW. Before she does, she places one of her diamond earrings into John’s fingerless gloves, closing that hand with hers on top. They kiss. As she leaves, Bender fastens that earring in his ear, walking home, through the football field, with a bit of a spring in his step. We believe he’s found the love and validation, so much so, the film ends with his triumphant fist raised in the air. The movie freezes on that image. The song, “Don’t You Forget About Me,” by Simple Minds, plays.

Ta-dah! All is well. Even though, Bender’s going home to an abusive family setting. But he found teenage love and is wearing a diamond earring of the rich girl he’s spent the past hour and a half disdaining and insulting.

Sounds great to me.

Sigh: some of it’s the hopeless romantic in me. Some of the sigh is uneasiness.

The Takeaway:

Have I ruined the nostalgic memories of your teenage youth? It’s just a movie from the 1980s. It’s fiction; the characters aren’t real. Yes, that’s all true, but the mixed, confused messages, perhaps, are all too real. “Good Girl” and “Bad Guy” archetypes are hard to kill. What is the agenda driving them?

It’s a precarious thing, especially for those of us who’ve endured any form of abuse. What are we to do with a storyline in which the lovebirds berate, insult and humiliate each other, to only fall in love with each other, without healing any of those boiling issues?

Let’s get real about these fictional characters: “The Princess” and “The Criminal” will probably not seek couples’ counseling. They probably won’t “beat the odds.”

They will hurt each other.

Perhaps, “The Breakfast Club” is more cautionary tale than teen flick. Perhaps is a wakeup call for each one of us, in “a couple” or not, to get healthy and challenge our own identity and personal issues.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Socrates

To paraphrase the film’s famous song, “don’t you forget about that.”

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

One Puffin Step...

 

Hop On Your Unicorn...

 

Even If It Doesn't Feel Like It Right Now

 

Job Description

 

Job descriptions are a much-needed necessity in this world, beyond areas of employment. Indeed, for those of us who especially struggle with healthy boundaries and codependency, knowing what the job description is within relationships, what we are and are not responsible for, can be sanity and sometimes, literal lifesavers.

Each of us needs to learn how to navigate the unrealistic expectations that constantly fly at us. And unfortunately, most us are improperly taught unhealthy and dangerous job descriptions. We are groomed to believe we must rescue, be there, available, constantly forgiving and allowing, no matter what toxic person or circumstance arrives in our lives. Many of us are taught to “just take it.”

Our health, our relationships, our families are, therefore, at risk. The stakes are high.

So, let’s look at some of the harmful, mistaken thoughts that we wrongly absorb and try to apply in our lives.

Be liked.

Right out the gate, we believe an impossible doozy. Oh, just be liked. By everyone. All the time. Without fail. What could possibly go wrong with this job description?

This is deadly peer pressure, even though, most of the time, it’s self-generated. We agree to the all-encompassing terms.

“Yes, I’ll be liked, even if it’s not good for me, even if it’s unsafe. Because, in the end, being liked by this person, by being pleasing in this situation, will be worth all of the trouble.”

Only, it doesn’t quite work out that way. For, in this gigantic, unhealthy and unsafe job description, we find more subtle, and just as dangerous, other descriptions. “Be Liked,” is the governing mandate to all other dysfunction.

Case in point?

 Fix or Save People.

Ay-Yi-Yi.

This unhealthy part of the wrong job description we internalize has us repeatedly coming back and staying in harmful situations with harmful people. Addiction and abuse are rife with these dynamics. We supply, protect and enable someone, sacrificing ourselves, all because we love them and genuinely believe our “help” is helping them.

It is not.

Yet, we believe it is helping because, somehow, we need to believe it is helping. If we fail to adopt a Savior role, we believe our very identity can be at risk. And, for some of us, that is unacceptable, even life-threatening.

Do it all.

Likewise, we can also adopt another oppressive mandate in a harmful job description: we must do absolutely everything. We must be Superman or Superwoman. No excuses.

It doesn’t matter if we work full-time, are raising a family, are caregiving, we must do way more than is asked of us. After all, we, again, want to be liked.

So, somehow, we rationalize, we will find a way to get everything done.

Please everyone.

We believe fulfilling the toxic job descriptions, including doing everything, will successfully accomplish being perfectly pleasing. Again, we’re back to “be liked.” We’re back to our Savior role and function.

What do we fear if we’re not liked, if we’re not being pleasing?

Rejection? Loss? Failure?

For some of us, that is too high of a price to pay. We envision the worst-case scenario, so much so, we dare not even ask ourselves the hard questions, let alone, answer them.

We just cannot go there.

Hold it together.

And that, therefore, ushers in yet another harmful principle in our unhealthy job description. We think can hold it all together somehow. Spinning plates? Sure. Why not add a couple more?

We can easily believe we are the only ones to solve all problems, tasks and issues. No need to delegate; I got it. No need to ask for help; I got it. No need to say no; I got it.

Only, we don’t have it. We have a mess. We have a breakdown coming our way.

Much like the self-imposed pressure to “do it all,” we, likewise, expect that we will prevent, sustain, protect and help a circumstance perfectly, without any fallout or untimely event throwing a wrench into everything. Perfectionism is a hard taskmaster; it’s unreasonable and irrational. And impossible.

And unhealthy.

For perfectionism, in its supposedly “noble” pursuit, inevitably, has us obsessing on image over truth, no matter what the situation may be. We may not be aware that we are doing this; we may have no intention of doing that. But impact has the final say.

For, in our striving to “hold it all together,” we, consciously or unconsciously, give sole importance to how something appears. If things “look” healthy, pretty, organized, happy or “right,” we can tend to believe we are, in fact, doing our job effectively.

But take a closer look beyond that beautiful smiling face, that supposedly fit physique, that Norman Rockwell-looking family, that well-ordered life, and what really is going on there? Addictions? Abuse? Depression? Toxic relationships? Criminal activity?

What if we worked on healing the mess, not just making it aesthetically pleasing?

So, What IS My Job?

Each of us does have a job. It’s not about avoiding all responsibility. Rather, it’s about taking appropriate, realistic responsibility for ourselves.

Such a small thing? Far from it.

The antidote to being liked? Love people.

This seems like a no-brainer. And how many of us, doing the dysfunctional job description behaviors, thoroughly believe we are doing it “out of love?” But love looks different than codependence, than enabling an unhealthy choice. Loving people is far different than being liked. Sometimes, they are diametrically opposing to one another.

Loving people sometimes means not helping.

We can, without knowing or intending, cause someone’s death, because of our supposed love for them. Think drug addict who overdoses because we supply them with the money and the substances to do so.

Loving people sometimes means saying no.

This is the ultimate test to us people pleasers, isn’t it? We fear rejection, scorn, not being viewed as kind or valuable. We risk someone’s unflattering opinion of us.

Loving people sometimes means no longer being in relationship with them.

There are times when we need to let others go. Dissolve and sever the relationship. It’s too detrimental to stay connected. It means imminent destruction. We need to accept that this death must occur.

And then, we need to grieve that loss.

The antidote to fixing or saving people? Be authentic.

We cannot save or fix anyone. Yes, we can “help.” But we need to scrutinize what is help… and what is not. The root of ascertaining that involves authenticity. We must be real and honest with what is happening and how we are contributing to that situation. Perhaps, our “help” isn’t help at all. Perhaps it is harm. Perhaps, because we fear facing the truth ourselves, we opt to be someone else’s solution. Doing that is selfish, counterproductive and unloving to ourselves.

We need to recognize that being authentic sometimes means that we will have limits. And we need to enforce that reality. Sometimes, we shouldn’t give people endless chances. Sometimes, constantly giving money to an addict of any kind, keeps everyone in disease, instead of recovery.

Sometimes, we need to recognize we choose to be inauthentic because we see it as easier. And, as unflattering as it sounds, we like the path of least resistance.

Being authentic isn’t that. But it is integrity. And when you and stay choose integrity over ease, we have the realistic peace we have been craving our entire lives.

Being authentic does not equal being pleasing. But it does equal being our honorable selves. It is scary, but it’s worth it.

The antidote to doing it all? Take the next step.

Once again, we get caught up in perfectionism. We fail, then, before we even start.

Somehow, we believe that, unless and until we can do something perfectly, it’s not worth starting. We magically think that all the stars must be aligned, this or that prerequisite must be in place, laying the perfect foundation for our plan.

And that perfect foundation, that perfect star alignment just never happens.

In the meantime, we up the stress ands pressure levels. With procrastination, comes heightened anxiety.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.”
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Dr. King was on the money here. Life does not require all certainty and all answers be made available for us to take action.

Life is about doing the next thing. What IS that next thing?

Solving a world problem, completely and thoroughly? Or is it taking out the garbage? Brushing our teeth?

You may laugh at that. But really, life is about many small, ordinary, tedious tasks being accomplished on a daily, consistent basis.

How about we take things down a notch?  How about letting ourselves off the hook concerning perfection… concerning anything or anyone? There is no such thing. We do what we can; we have limitations.

We have the inherent right to live life without doing it perfectly.

Period.

The antidote to pleasing everyone? Speak my truth.

Authenticity and truth go hand in hand. It’s impossible, unhealthy and perfectionistic to please everyone. We will fail. Therefore, choosing to be truthful about ourselves can free us from pressure, whether it be self-imposed or implemented from others. We don’t need to be nasty or rude about voicing our authentic truth, only brave. It’s hard to go against the grain. Popularity contests are still around, long after high school has ended. Peer pressure. Conformity.

Yet, when we succumb to trying to reach those states of being, we seem to only feel constrained, trapped, like frauds.

We need a newer measuring stick, being our truthful selves. That remains when the temporary trend, situation, relationship dynamic, inevitably, changes or ends. The truth of who we are, should we choose to embrace it, remains.

The Antidote To Holding it together? Breathe.

Sometimes, we need to make things as simple as possible.

When you and I hit the wall, the realm of our finite beings, it is, therefore, helpful to remember to breathe. If we can do nothing else, while stuck in any moment, we can do that.

We hear so much, these days, about mindfulness, about being present and in the moment. What each of these things have in common for us, whether or not we recognize it as such, is breathing. It’s automatic. Most of the time, we don’t think about it.

But take breath away, literally, and suddenly, we are full conscious of it.

This is probably at the very center of our human job description: just breathe. Do nothing else right now.

Yes, I know, there’s so much going on.

Just breathe.

Yes, I know (insert any other reason or excuse)…

Just breathe.

We’ve all bought the lie of what our job description should be. We’ve all turned ourselves inside out; we have jumped through flames and hoops, trying to be “enough.”

We are that already. Our job description should reflect that.

Truth. Enough. Realistic truth. Not the lie any longer.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

“Job Description” discusses what we are and are not responsible for in life.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/03/job-description-discusses-what-we-are-and-are-not-responsible-for-in-life/

 

Eternal Shining

 

If You are Reading This...

 

Unstoppable

 

Unpack, Rebuke

 

They say that one of life’s greatest stressors is moving.

Years ago, I came across this Scottish proverb…

“Learn to unpack or rebuke.”

The imperfect lesson.

And nothing like moving captures the totality of processing and deciding what to do with stuff, personal possessions or personal feedback and issues.

People have told you who you and I are. Do we believe that? And, if so, why so?

It’s all a big mess.

Unpack:

When we make the lifechanging decision to move, be it across town, across the country or across the world, part of that process involves the look of utter devastation. Our in-process transition, from one place to another, essentially looks like our abode was ransacked. There is stuff everywhere, because there needs to be stuff everywhere: our possessions, boxes galore, packing tape, suitcases. It needs to look worse before it begins to look better. We need to unpack those things, in order to see what we have and deal with it accordingly.

We reason we need to deal with it all. It’s overwhelming. Some of us feel the pressure to execute things perfectly. We place pressure on ourselves to get it all done, all at once.

Rebuke:

And, of course, this is unrealistic… and unhealthy. Therefore, we need to rebuke this thought. It cannot be done, all at once. No one can simply wiggle their nose and, presto, change-o, it’s accomplished.

Likewise, regarding our life and personal issues, it can appear that everything needs our immediate attention, including things like relationships, finances, marriage, children, work, legal, addiction and abuse issues.

It seems like it’s all laid bare, presented before us as urgent, maybe even, life or death. We need to do something!

Assessment.

Unpack:

We need to keep first things first. If we get too overwhelmed by the sheer overwhelming appearance of it all, concerning this move, we will blow a gasket before we even begin.

Where are we? Who are we? What does this move, this new phase of our lives, represent to us?

And are we even willing and able to ask the questions, to face the reality that is our current predicament?

Rebuke:

In a moving context, we determine what things we need, what things we use and how often we use them. Is there some furniture on its last legs? What things have we kept for the past ten or twenty years, never using it once? What have we outgrown?

It’s even more intensified concerning our personal issues.

What to Keep, What to Rid Ourselves Of…

Unpack:

In a moving context, are our possessions and furniture, consistent with what our lives are?

Are we moving from a house to a one- bedroom apartment?

Can we take those five china closets with us in this move? Probably not.

Is our current situation consistent with our new home, our new city, our new phase of life?

Moving requires we change our lives.

Not easy, by any stretch of the imagination.

Many of us are so intimidated by the prospect of it, we procrastinate, distract ourselves and do everything in our power to avoid it. Even though we have looming deadlines. We need to be out of our current situation: our house, our apartment, our town or city by this date or that date. The movers are coming. The U-Haul is rented. We have a certain amount of stuff we need to cram into a certain number of boxes.

Rebuke:

No one wants to do any of it. Why not?

Because it involves the drudging up of who we are, our issues, problems and pain. Material possessions represent that drudging. We have affixed meaning, trauma, grief and nostalgia to certain things.

And, just like our response to being rebuked and corrected in real life, we don’t want to be rebuked for these possessions that are loaded with meaning and issues. We don’t want to face truth and possibly say goodbye to things, for what they represent, including…

The death of status quo…

The death of a dream…

The death of a standard of living…

The death of economic prosperity…

The death of a meaningful relationship…

The material possession is the totem of power, impacting us, for good or not so good. We may have a pull toward an actual physical object, in and of itself.

But again, it often goes much deeper than that.

Rebuking the old way of life, with or without a material possession attached to it, is painful and difficult. We don’t want to lose and give up the things that require us to engage in that painful difficulty.

For some of us, that means we need to let go of things like baby stuff, because our children have grown up, our wedding china and/or our wedding ring, because divorce has ended our marriages, a family heirloom, because looking at it reminds us of the pain it represents… and that’s all we can see each time we look at it.

Personal issues, however, only present more complex, painful and soul-shaking actions. We are faced with tackling more than the material possessions we have accumulated. We need to tackle, things like fear, anger, and shame. We need to decide what to unpack and what to rebuke concerning these issues.

We are charged with energy, generated by the “stuff” we have accumulated in our lives.

Beyond the physical object, we are inundated with mistaken thoughts, beliefs and words that we have hoarded, for one reason or another. What was said to us? What was done to us? What damage was caused? What has been the fallout from that damage?

Many of us are operating from harmful words that were inflicted upon us by a family member, childhood bully or circumstance beyond any mortal’s control. What do we do with that? Do we confront it? Neglect it? Change it?

Here’s the work of both unpacking and rebuking.

And it can start by asking a question, from an objective, even clinical, stance, “Is this true?”

Researching for “facts” to support or dispute that thing in question, can help us determine whether we give credence to something as valid, or take the baby steps of healing to “let it go.”

The authentic life demands moving; our lives cannot, and will not, be static. Whether or not we ever change houses or locations is immaterial.

How we change our lives, learning what to keep and what to release, however, is.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

 

 

 

Have a Heart...

 

Kind Versus Nice: The Baby Bird Test

 

While doing research on the internet, okay, while trying to avoid work, distracting myself with cute animals, I came across this little guy right here.

Yes, the image of a baby bird, being spoon-fed, can make even the hardest of hearts melt I bit (at least, I hope it does).

Attached to the image was this statement: “You will never regret being kind.”

I started thinking about that concept. Like many abuse survivors out there, I’ve been exploited and taken advantage of, simply because, many times, I was trying to be kind. Add to that reality, the message pressure of “Be nice” we so often hear, especially as children, and the whole expression of humanity becomes muddy.

We can ask ourselves, “Am I being kind?” “Am I being nice?”

What’s the difference between the two? Which one should I choose?

The baby bird image simplifies the issue. So, let’s return to that little budgie.

First, this little guy is helpless, practically bald, as his pink skin barely has enough “peach fuzz” to cover his body. He must be freezing. Someone, please get him a sweater!

But there are no warm sweaters for baby birds found in nature.

Instead, we see the vulnerability of this creature, perhaps, eliciting our innate caregiving response. So, the picture appears quiet, calm and gentle. There is no force feeding. A spoon is gently presented to the helpless, hungry guy. I’m quite certain music from ACDC is also not playing in the background (nothing against the band, ACDC).

I mention this to illustrate how, for the greater good, meaning, the survival and well-being of this baby bird, all focus goes to taking care of him. There is no fanfare, no attention seeking. Perhaps, that is the essence of kindness.

Now, let’s contrast that with “Being Nice.”

There is a difference.

For, in this instance, we go back to our baby bird and the “spoon feeder.” Here, this person declares, “I’m a nice person.”

But it’s not quite that simple.

The image in this scenario would probably be dramatically different. The focus would be changed.

Perhaps, this picture would be all hand, all spoon, with absolutely no emphasis on the baby bird. Maybe, you’d see a beak in the photo, at most.

Maybe.

This “nice” approach may be that way, because the nice agenda dictates it be a birdfeeder spoon photo op. It has nothing to do with keeping the helpless being alive. It has, instead, everything to do with the perception surrounding the spoon feeder.

Isn’t he/she such a great person? Just look at what they’re doing!

Yes, “Nice” has an agenda and a superiority to it. It can be self-directed, or it can be externally achieved, via other people, outside of the situation.

The kind person, however, says nothing. There’s no need to be validated with “How great thou art.” There’s no need for accolades. The spoon feeder is too busy spoon feeding the baby bird, to pay attention to what everyone else is saying.

In this instance, perhaps, this photo would have the feeder make every attempt to not be in the picture. There would be no identifying characteristics. It’s more than enough to see the tips of his/her fingers.

Kind just is.

But, again, Nice is concerned with appearances.

There is the glory of the photo op. If a nice deed happens, and it is not caught on camera, does it exist?

Who knows? Without a camera present, the person might be captured tormenting the bird.

Kind doesn’t think that way.

Kind doesn’t entertain manipulation and abuse. Nice, perhaps, does.

Kind is concerned with the kind act they wish to perform.

It’s a Deliberate Decision.

The difference between Kind and Nice doesn’t need to be confusing. It can come down to decision making. And we all engage in decision making.

Kind makes a decision to be Kind. Nice makes a decision to be Nice.

It’s intentional, whether we know it or not. What drives us? What compels us? And how will we respond to that honest answer?

How will we feed that baby bird?

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

“Kind Versus Nice: The Baby Bird Test” explores our motivations behind doing a good deed.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/03/kind-versus-nice-the-baby-bird-test-explores-our-motivations-behind-doing-a-good-deed/

 

IMHO

 

Most of us are familiar with the children’s classic, “Charlotte’s Web” by E.B. White. We’re familiar with our favorite county fair pig, Wilber and his unlikely relationship with a spider named Charlotte.

As the story unfolds, the reality of a country fair pig’s fate becomes clear: he will be slaughtered. Upsetting as this is, Charlotte works out a P.R. campaign to save Wilbur. She starts creating a series of message cobwebs which declare how wonderful this pig is and how it would, therefore, be a grave mistake to kill him. It, inevitably, becomes a tourist attraction, thus securing Wilbur’s safety. With messages like, “Some Pig,” “Terrific,” and “Radiant,” interested was, indeed, generated.

And one of those messages was that of “Humble.”

We hear a lot about the importance of humility. All of that “pride goeth before a fall” stuff permeates our culture and our daily lives. We are repeatedly told to be humble, to stay humble.

Let’s look at that a little. What does humble mean?

It’s not the same as destructively tearing ourselves down. It’s not about poor self-esteem. Rather, it’s about a more realistic and accurate assessment of who we are and what our place is in the world. It starts by learning and accepting that yes, we are fallible, but still valuable.

Like Wilbur, many of us do not know just how intrinsically important we are; we, often, have not been taught that truth. We live in constant insecurity; we may even feel like, on some level, our lives are threatened. We underestimate the power of opinion, ours or anyone’s else’s. We possess faulty thinking and belief systems, many times, causing us harm in the process.

And, of course, we certainly don’t want to traipse over to the extreme opposite, being so insufferable and arrogant, puffing our chests and our inferiority complexes out for everyone to see.

Like the whole cliché of life, the more doable solution appears to be somewhere, in the middle, in the moderation.

Cue, therefore, a well-worn phrase we hear and speak frequently, “In My Humble Opinion.”

Wilbur, being called “humble,” was being acknowledged and complimented for an admirable trait. He didn’t call himself that. He had no idea of Charlotte’s web-spinning until after the fact.

Still, whether you and I are acknowledged or not, we have the responsibility to do realistic self-checks, all on our own. Personal inventory.

How out of control are our egos?

We need to recognize that each one of us has an opinion, but opinion does not always, necessarily, equal fact. It’s a perspective. It can be supported by facts and truths, but it is still a perspective, seen through our lens. There needs to be a cautious awe and humility at that.

In my humble opinion, anyway.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse

 

To A Blessed Yom Kippur...

 

Evil Twin

 

The Future Faking of Fool’s Gold

 

For many years, my family kept this hunk of shininess here, thinking there was a chance it could be the real thing.

There existed the hope that, yes, indeed, they struck gold!

Now, I have inherited this hunk of shininess, only to discover it was, in fact, “Fool’s Gold.”

As I’ve learned more about Narcissistic abuse, I’ve discovered one of its most important tactics: “future faking.”

A future faker uses promises, inferences and intensity to simulate intimacy and to keep control of a relationship or a situation.

Indeed, I have repeatedly experienced this device, although I didn’t know what to call it. It’s sanity-saving to recognize that what I went through had a name.

“Someday…”

A large component of my personal experience with emotional fool’s gold or “future faking,” involved the use of this word. Such hope and promise were contained within it. The assurance that, no matter what hell or pain someone goes through, “it will all be worth it…someday.” I noticed that, while the persons and circumstances of my experiences may have changed, that “someday” element was consistent throughout.

Future Faking: Just Be Good Enough:

Alright, let’s start from the beginning.

Being anything “enough” was at the epicenter of the “someday”/ future faking promise. The dangled carrot of “If you’ll just be or do this, then you can have this reward” was way more dysfunctional than any goal setting. This was all about conditional love, worth and acceptance. I learned I could not possess any of those things unless and until I met the proper specifications. Most of the time, the rules were never clearly and fully declared; it was the insecurity of never quite knowing where you stood.

But keep striving, because, after all, “someday…”

The first few times I tried for the glittering, someday prize, things seemed shiny, innocent, even fair. Yeah, of course I need to try for these things. They don’t just come automatically.

But gradually, as I performed and completed tasks, missions and behaviors, with no promised reward to show for it, I started seeing how the goal posts just kept moving.

Achieve this. Okay, achieved.

Now just achieve some more. Okay, done.

More movement of the goal posts.

And it never stopped. It quickly set in how this was a game I could never win. I could never be “enough” at anything, because the enough ante was always upped.

Future Faking: Someday, They’ll Die:

So, learning that lesson as a behavior baseline, I was now old enough, ready enough to be taught some finer points. Morbid, macabre points,

Coming from an abusive dynamic, it was inevitable, I suppose, that certain family members would come to view death as the surefire escape of the hellish existence. Yes, there were suicidal thoughts and even attempts. But it went further than that. Certain individuals would, in fact, make “someday” promises to me, like “someday, when this person dies, we’ll be able to do whatever we want.”

So, as a child, I looked at that person’s death as that hope for better days.

I know. It sounds adorable.

But, surrounded by adults who were supposed to “know better,” what else was I supposed to ascertain from the message?

“When this person dies, we’ll be able to do whatever we want.”

That’s quite a powerful promise.

And that statement laid groundwork for other mistaken beliefs to be taught:

Future Faking: Someday, We’ll Be Able to Do What We Want:

This included some dream career, which further promised “happily ever after,” and worldwide traveling. Underscoring everything, in the subtext, was the even more vague, but gleaming promise: “We’ll be happy.”

So, as a child, navigating abuse, I waited with this adult who promised the happiness and perfection that hinged on another person’s death. We waited for years… decades. Inevitably one day, some twenty-five years after this promise was given to me, yes, this persona did die.

And there was no radical transformation, at least, not of the happy, “we-can-do-whatever-we-want” variety. There was no perfect dream career. There was no perfect international travel.

There was just unrealistic expectation and spent energy, funneled into the “someday.”

And, as I watched and learned all about the disillusionment from this trusted adult, who was supposed to know more than I did, have the answers and make them actualized, I learned another dysfunctional lesson: I better get to work and achieve, already!

Back to the salt mines. And maybe, this time, I’ll get what I want.

Future Faking: Achievement:

I became an overachiever, yes. I’d seen what stagnation produced. I’d seen the disappointment faces on adults as they waited for an answer to materialize that didn’t. I saw how passive inaction led to nowhere, nowhere I wanted to go, anyway.

So, action, achievement, performance, awards, accolades, striving. That was the name of the game now. This time will be different. The goal posts won’t move. I’ll successfully achieve.

I was the cliché overachieving kid, winning good grades, awards, ribbons and trophies. I did this, with the hope that the designated prize of the moment would finally seal the deal: I was enough; I did enough.

But those moving goal posts again.

It wasn’t long before grade school turned into high school, which turned into college, which turned into adulthood, with me still chasing.

And, even though I may have “won” something: attention, an award, some achievement, a coveted relationship, the insidious lies of future faking were still not quelled: “Just Be Good Enough,” “You’ll Get My Love and Approval,”  “You’ll Get Promoted” still existed, just out of my reach.

I chased and “hung in there,” believing If I just sacrificed myself enough, exhausted myself enough, then, certainly, the golden promise would be mine. It would not be Fool’s Gold. It would be the real thing.

It kept me humiliating myself in harmful relationships, as I convinced myself they’d love and accept me if I changed in a certain way.

It kept me expending energy, time, effort and resources because I believed somehow “this time, it’ll work.”

It kept me waiting, waiting for some illusive perfection that would make up for all pain.

It was just a matter of time, after all. “Someday…”

Meanwhile, I learned about what it’s like to live manipulated, used and discarded, as not only other persons exploited me for their own purposes, but I did that, as well, to myself.

Sadist…meet masochist.

What was going on here?

As an adult, wasn’t I supposed to know better? So, why wasn’t I doing better?

Because I still believed the Fool’s Gold was its actual 24 Karat, much more promising, cousin.

And it was never going to be that. All is was, instead, was shiny illusion. Manipulative promise. Toxic hope. It was my volunteering to wait, seemingly forever, on a mirage. No refreshing water, only desert.

I was choosing to do that. The Future Faking had no time restriction on it. It didn’t suddenly expire when I turned eighteen. It wasn’t restricted to childhood innocence and other people’s behaviors.

Future Faking, waiting on some form of toxic hope, was now something I had knowledge about. And I could choose to accept or reject its frustrating terms.

Future Faking: The Promise of Fool’s Gold:

Believing in the hope of “when” can, indeed, be Fool’s Gold. It’s further exacerbated if/when we give our power away to a faulty promise. Sometimes, that’s at the hands of an abuser. Sometimes, that’s simply our own unmet needs running amuck, desperate for some cure-all to make all the pain go away.  We become our own abuser.

Future Faking, with its shiny allure, can place demands on unrealistic “happily ever after.” It can keep us hanging on, staying in abuse, tolerating our devaluation, stunting our personal growth, living in pain. We tell ourselves, “I just need to hang in there, because, after all, someday, it will be worth it.”

And it rarely is. When we compromise our characters, our health, our well-being, our autonomy or any other thing that is precious to us, with the hope that Fool’s Gold, will, in fact, become real gold to us, we are ones left dull and lifeless.

If it feels like someone is using the hope of “future faking” to keep you controlled and staying put, in any context, if it feels like you can never be good enough, do enough, please enough, be enough, that’s abusive. If it is us who are self-imposing this, that, too, is abusive.

Life, love and personal goals are never meant to be unreachable, ever-moving targets.

Pursuing life and future in a healthy way is our true treasure. Its promise lies in the imperfect process of accepting unflinching truth of who, what, when, where and how we are. Each of us can embrace that today.

Copyright © 2020 by Sheryle Cruse