The Misogyny Response To No

Unflattering misogyny often reveals itself whenever a female uses a controversial word: “no.”

The more I live my life, especially in the recovery context, the more I encounter a hostile reaction whenever I give this response.

An attitude frequently surfaces, one which asserts my “no” needs to be challenged until I agree with the male perspective and say “yes.”

“No means no.”

We hear that phrase a lot, especially when it comes to rape.

But the “no challenge” can also apply as a female navigates through other issues, like her recovery from both addiction and abuse experiences.

Indeed, in this context, my “no” has been repeatedly disregarded; most of the time, it has come from male family members, friends and from those I have seen socially. It’s been rejected, confronted or questioned. And so, I next have had to firmly state, “No is a complete sentence.”

But, still, concerning even that direct response, I have gotten further dismissed and coerced. The individual male in each situation, attempts to sell his persuasion, charm or agenda as the reason why I should change my “silly no” to his “right” yes. When that doesn’t happen according to his liking, when my “no” is still the unchanged response, things become more hostile. Name calling, emotional/physical intimidation and threats often come next.

My experiences are not unusual. Other females have similar encounters whenever they have given their “no” to a boy or a man regarding any subject. Some have been called horrible names. Some have been beaten or raped. All have, in some way, felt invalidated and violated, simply because they dared to respond in an unpleasing manner.

 This is disturbing as it questions any female’s response which does not agree with a male who wants something else from her.

Years ago, a self- defense expert, instructing women on how to protect themselves against their attackers, stated two things which changed my life:

“When a man says no, it’s the end of the discussion. But when a woman says no, it starts the process of negotiation.”

“When a person does not accept your ‘no,’ they’re trying to control you.”

Anyone who struggles with addiction or abuse/ trauma experiences knows it is painfully difficult to live a healthier life, one which results from making better choices in his/her recovery.

Unfortunately, concerning females, there can also be the additional complication of a male’s response to the facilitation of these positive decisions. This reality comes into view whenever a female’s choice butts heads with a male desire for control, power or domination.

I have had to repeatedly...

...state how, no, I did not want alcohol or drugs when it was clear my date wanted me to take them so I could be more sexually pliable.

...state how, no, I did not want to engage in a behavior which, not only went against my conscience and morals, but also was triggering to disordered image, eating and abuse experiences. That has included a male’s pressuring insistence I diet and lose a drastic amount of weight.

...state how, no, I would not change my decision concerning a family matter, to which I received an abusive verbal tirade from disagreeing male family members.

Not every male responds this way. Still, the frequency with which a female experiences this negative response appears to be the acceptable norm.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once quoted...

“Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

Whether we know it or not, intend it or not, aren’t we, as individuals and as a culture, teaching the challenge response to a female’s no? It can often assert principles like...

A female is inferior, incapable of knowing what is best for herself. This includes her body, her health and her well-being.

A female’s “no” is her gender’s way of begging to have her decision changed. Therefore, do what is necessary until she relents with a “yes” response.

A female’s “no” is never as important, valid or necessary as that of a man’s. Never accept this response the first time you hear it. Always question and try to change it.

A female doesn’t possess the right to hold a perspective which is not pleasing to others, especially when it involves a male’s pleasure. A female is to be acquiescing and accommodating, never disagreeable.

 “Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

Matthew 5:37

Why should there be any discrepancy when it comes to the “no” response?

If any acceptable attitude condoning an inequity of human value thrives, based on gender, then what are we living?

Perhaps, the negative reaction has more to do with ignorance than it does malice. But, education- or miseducation- is no small matter. We do learn what we live.

Regardless of gender, “No is a complete sentence.”

Copyright © 2018 by Sheryle Cruse