Each
Thanksgiving, I bring out a salt and pepper shaker set of the praying hands as
a decoration. It reminds me to keep the main thing the main thing; prayer is powerful,
relevant and centered largely on gratitude.
There are
some of us out there who will say grace this holiday. Some trot it out only for
special occasions; others make it a staple before every meal.
And then
there are some who have never said grace and don’t think about ever engaging in
the practice.
Wherever we
are concerning prayer, it is helpful to face our stance regarding it.
Most of us feel
something about the act of saying
grace. Often, those attitudes and feelings are negative. And if we’re not
careful, these beliefs can hinder- not help the recovery process.
Indeed, we
can learn some harmful things about prayer, including...
Prayer is more trouble than it’s
worth.
For
me, “saying grace” originated as a painful childhood lesson. My mother, a Christian,
taught me how to pray before each meal. And it was during one dinner, in which Mom
and I bowed our heads to say grace, but my dad refused. I quickly brought this
to everyone’s attention, as only a kid could, asking, “Why isn’t Daddy praying
with us?”
I
immediately felt tension. My dad glared at us. Mom nervously responded, “Well,
Honey, he is, in his own way.” My dad was seething. Mom and I said grace and
ate quickly.
And,
from there, my dad went on one of his rage episodes, trashing the house,
spouting verbal assaults and creating a few days’ worth of fear, all because of
saying grace.
So,
I learned I had done a bad thing; I’d struck a nerve I wasn’t supposed to strike.
I felt danger and disapproval. I learned even mentioning God caused- instead of fixed- problems. Therefore,
how could He be counted on?
How
many of us have had wars escalate within our families, all because of some
spiritually-related subject matter?
The
prayer and faith issues can vary. But they include the following scenarios...
Some of us come from a
background in which God was not viewed as real...
Some of us have grown up
in hostile environments in which warring belief systems did daily battle...
Some of us have been
entrenched in deeply religious backgrounds which, at one point, create painful
experiences of abuse, hypocrisy and neglect...
Whatever
our background experience may have been, no one gets out of childhood unscathed
by faith and identity issues.
And,
depending upon that individual’s experience, a defeating conclusion can be
reached: “this (prayer) doesn’t work for me.”
If
that is the case, how much more difficult is it, from a recovery standpoint, to
embrace the “higher power” of the Twelve Steps?
1.
We admitted we
were powerless over a substance or behavior ─ our lives had become
unmanageable.
- We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Making
these steps even more challenging...
5.
We admitted to
God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.
We were entirely
ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.
We humbly asked
Him to remove our shortcomings.5
11.
We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious
contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His
will for us and the power to carry that out.
If
prayer doesn’t work, what’s the point in an addict believing he/she is not
alone in his/her fight?
If
prayer will only bring problems, instead of solving them, why try at all?
This
can also spill into another confusing belief...
Prayer is only for children.
My childhood
“saying grace” experience showed me there were some people who were allowed to
pray- and others who weren’t.
And this
contributed to the wrong belief I learned within my abusive home life: there is
a hierarchy of human value.
Some of
those erroneous beliefs...
Males don’t pray; “real men” don’t
need this superstition and nonsense to solve their problems. Men take real
action.
Women, perhaps, can pray, because they are viewed as inferior. In this regard,
therefore, women and children are often grouped together and viewed as weaker
human beings.
And so, because of this status, it is
perfectly acceptable to mock, criticize and control their behavior, including
their praying behavior.
How many of
us believe such concepts as these? It’s damaging enough to view prayer as
acceptable only for children. But, further harm comes when we equate adult
females with children in competence and intelligence. This is often a common
viewpoint of abusers, making it easier to mistreat both because “they don’t
really count” as human beings.
And
believing prayer is only for children can be a huge stumbling block when it
comes to healing our life issues as adults. There are also some of us who have internalized
the message prayer/belief in God is obsolete once you reach adulthood. It’s
something you “outgrow.”
It is here
where facing a scriptural truth of our childlike state can either be
insulting...or comforting.
“...‘Leave the children alone, and don't try to keep them
from coming to Me, because the kingdom of heaven is made up of people like
this.’"
Matthew 19:14
Like it or
not, as far as God is concerned, we are all
children in His eyes. And we are loved as such children. So much so, our names
are the original, first tattoo, present on the Most High God...
“Behold, I have graven thee upon
the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.”
It possibly
places our perception of prayer in a different light, if we look at it from
this vantage point.
Likewise,
there is no preferential treatment concerning us and our value to the Most
High...
“For there is no respect of persons with God.”
Romans 2:11
“And God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...’ So
God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and
female created he them.”
Genesis 1:26-27
Right now,
God sees each of us as equal and relevant enough to have us recorded on Him. We don’t outgrow that. Our place
with Him is eternal and relevant. It’s not dependent upon age, gender or
circumstances.
And, it begs
the question, therefore, how many times does God look at us, think of us and
have feelings of loving adoration towards us?
“How precious also are
thy thoughts unto me, O God! How great
is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the
sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.”
Psalm 139:17-18
But, if we
believe there’s an expiration date on that love, as well as on our connection
and communication with Him, then how can we ever fully experience healing and
blessing?
We forfeit,
via our negating beliefs.
And this,
therefore, can affect our next harmful belief...
Prayer doesn’t work.
“For now we see
through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then
shall I know even as also I am known.”
1 Corinthians 13:12
How many of
us see prayer as ineffective, like belief in fairytales?
If we arrive
at the conclusion the whole thing is pointless, well, good luck on achieving
any positive result.
Indeed, this
line of thinking often emanates as we have the evidence on painful, personal
tragedies and circumstances in our lives. There can, in our minds, exist the plausible
determination of “there is no God/prayer doesn’t do anything.”
Scripture,
however, reassures us that is not the case. And, in keeping with the praying
hands theme, we are reminded of what God’s
hands can do...
“Behold,
the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy,
that it cannot hear.”
Isaiah 59:1
Isaiah 59:1
Add to that, science is concurring with
scripture’s assessment of prayer, also weighing in on its effectiveness.
“For
the past 30 years, Harvard scientist Herbert Benson, MD, has conducted his own
studies on prayer... ‘All forms of prayer,’ he says, ‘evoke a relaxation
response that quells stress, quiets the body, and promotes healing. Prayer
involves repetition -- of sounds, words -- and therein lies its healing
effects.’ ...”
“Can Prayer Heal?” By Jeanie Lerche Davis
So, if
scripture is not enough of a persuasive reason, then these scientific findings
should, perhaps, sway us of prayer’s power.
And this can
come in handy as many of us face another hindering attitude...
I don’t know what to pray about.
Ah, yes!
This time-held excuse!
Uncertainty,
overwhelmed feelings and simply unwillingness to concentrate on the positive
can all work to convince us we’re just not capable of praying in a “good
enough” manner.
Again,
returning to my saying grace incident, I believed the message: I was not enough
of a good girl to prevent my dad’s anger, let alone, the constant undercurrent
of tension in my family.
How many of
us, steeped in families of addiction and/or abuse arrive at a helpless or
ambivalent decision, our “failure,” often while being children ourselves, to
save/rescue/prevent/create something, all in the name of family stability,
health or happiness?
It’s a tall
order; it’s an IMPOSSIBLE order.
By the time
we process that, usually via heartbreak, fear, anger or frustration, we,
therefore, arrive at the powerless sentiment.
And often, when we feel powerless, we lose
all perspective on any good things present in our lives.
Yet, in these perceptions, in these moments,
God is still working, still creating good things for us: love, grace, mercy,
blessing and help.
“Fear thou not; for I am
with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I
will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my
righteousness.”
Isaiah 41:10
Isaiah 41:10
However, if we are only in survival mode or
any variation of chaos, stress or trauma, we become all-consumed by the
negative- and yes, there is real, painful negative in existence.
But again, there is also the good as well.
I’m not sure who stated this, but an
often-used quote surfaces concerning the gratitude-in-prayer perspective:
“If the only prayer you pray is
‘thank you,’ that is enough.”
I admit it- I don’t thank God NEARLY as much
as I SHOULD. Despicable… shameful… petty…human…
It is part of human reality- let’s be real
about that.
But before
we all go and crawl under some rocks, let’s just stop and do a reality check.
God does not expect perfection concerning prayer and gratitude. He knows better
than to ask that of us.
“For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.”
Psalms 103:14
He does,
however, want us to be mindful-not
perfect-mindful.
That’s where
it starts. It doesn’t rely on perfection. Being MINDFUL, even in spite of
ourselves, is doable.
“I will praise the LORD according to his righteousness: and
will sing praise to the name of the LORD most high.”
Psalm 7:17
And again, this mindful attitude of prayer’s
effectiveness involves the gratitude principle.
“In a study by McCraty and colleagues (1998),
45 adults were taught to “cultivate appreciation and other positive emotions.”
Results showed that there was a mean 23% reduction in cortisol after the
intervention period, thus indicating lower levels of this stress hormone in the
blood. Moreover, during the use of the techniques, 80% of the participants
exhibited an increased coherence in heart rate variability patterns, indicating
reduced stress. In other words, these findings suggest that people with an
“attitude of gratitude” experience lower levels of stress.”
“Thanks! The Beneficial Effects
of Expressing Gratitude,” positivepsychologyprogram.com/thanks-beneficial-effects-expressing-gratitude/
Being
thankful creates positive results- in our bodies, in our stress levels, in our
wellbeing.
Still, with
that said, another belief persists, challenging every possible prayer
benefit...
I don’t need to pray.
Once again,
we’re back here...
“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to
face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.”
1 Corinthians 13:12
It is
precisely this scripture which reminds our precious egos of one simple truth:
we don’t know or see the entire picture.
Ergo: the necessity
of prayer.
For if we
cannot see the entirety of life, wouldn’t it, perhaps, be beneficial to stay
connected with someone who did?
“...your Father knoweth that ye have need of these
things…Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father's good pleasure to give
you the kingdom.”
Luke 12:30; 32
Before we
argue God can be lumped in with fairytales and Pollyanna impracticality, again,
let’s just get over ourselves. Let’s entertain the possibility there may
actually be some presence beyond us who has both a higher intelligence and a higher
power.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my
ways, says the Lord. For as the
heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My
thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
“…I am God,
and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me. Declaring the end from the beginning, and
from ancient times the things
that are not yet done, saying,
My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure… yea, I have spoken it, I will also bring it to pass; I
have purposed it, I will also
do it.”
Isaiah 46:9-11
Further
arguing against this “I don’t need to pray” thought, let’s look at things as
they are in our individual lives. If we could, indeed, fix, solve, help and
create, all by ourselves, wouldn’t we have regularly done this by now?
And, if we
still insist we’re living our lives all by ourselves, then why is it we are not
perfectly happy, perfectly healthy and perfectly satisfied in every way?
Wouldn’t we be smart enough to create ourselves as such?
Is it
because we simply choose to leave ourselves just a little bit unhappy, diseased
and needy for what- flair?
Come on, we
know that sounds ridiculous.
“For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.”
Psalms 103:14
Really, our
dusty selves are in complete, perfect control of things?
Again, going
back to my saying grace experience, there was a time I absorbed the “I don’t
need to pray” belief, via my dad’s response to the practice.
And maybe,
for a time, it appeared that to be true. After all, for many years, my dad seemed
invincible: never sick day in his life, strong and financially successful. I’m
sure for most of his life, he firmly believed he had achieved all of this by
his own power.
Scripture
reality check, however, refutes that belief...
“And thou shalt remember
all the way which the Lord thy God
led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove
thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his
commandments, or no... For the Lord
thy God bringeth thee into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains
and depths that spring out of valleys and hills...A land wherein thou shalt eat
bread without scarceness, thou shalt not lack any thing in it; a land whose
stones are iron, and out of whose hills thou mayest dig brass. When
thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless the Lord thy God for the good land which he hath given thee.
Beware that thou forget not the Lord
thy God, in not keeping his commandments, and his judgments, and his statutes,
which I command thee this day: Lest when thou hast eaten and
art full, and hast built goodly houses, and dwelt therein; And when
thy herds and thy flocks multiply, and thy silver and thy gold is multiplied,
and all that thou hast is multiplied; Then thine heart be lifted up,
and thou forget the Lord thy God,
which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage... And
thou say in thine heart, ‘My power and the might of mine hand hath gotten me
this wealth.’ But thou shalt remember the Lord thy God: for it is he that giveth
thee power to get wealth, that he may establish his covenant which he swore
unto thy fathers, as it is this day.”
Deuteronomy 8:2, 7, 9-14, 17-18
For here’s
the finality to my strong, tough dad.
He suffered
a series of mini-strokes in the final years of his life, culminating to one so
severe, he lost his ability to walk and, therefore, needed to be placed in a
nursing home for the rest of his life.
On his
deathbed, at the bleak reality of his mortality, he finally prayed.
This
decision, from a man who during his entire life, mocked, criticized and raged
against any talk of God, resulted because he finally realized he needed Divine
intervention. This man was subject to the human experience.
There’s no
such thing as atheists in foxholes and, one can argue, dying people on their
death beds.
My dad,
after decades of negativity toward the practice, prayed...and then died.
“I don’t need to pray.”
Where was
that sentiment now?
Yes, it’s a
well-worn, perhaps cliché, list of realities repeatedly presented to us.
Life is fleeting.
Death comes for us all.
We are fragile beings.
“For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.”
Psalms 103:14
These
realities, therefore, assert a truth: we are in need of prayer.
And,
returning, once again, to the famous image of praying hands, it would serve us
well to bear in mind that, when we
pray, other hands, belonging to a real God, are at work...
“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not
dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea,
I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
Isaiah 41:10
In our
less-than-ideal life today, it’s inevitable we will, on some level, be
short-handed when it comes to our personal experience with prayer.
Yet, that
should not discourage us from embarking on its practice. For, the reality of
the matter is this:
None of us do it well enough.
None of us do it perfectly.
None of us do it with pristinely pure
hearts and motivations.
But,
perhaps, most powerfully, we should apply this truth...
None of us are beyond God’s love and
grace.
“The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, ‘Yea,
I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have
I drawn thee.’”
Jeremiah 31:3
“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life,
nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to
come, nor height nor depth nor any other created thing, shall be able to
separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:38-39
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of
yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.”
Ephesians 2:8-9
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made
perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
There’s
nothing short-handed about that love and grace.
So pray-
imperfectly, clumsily, with insecurity, issues and whatever makes you the
person you are. God wants you- period!
And thank
God for that!
Copyright © 2018 by
Sheryle Cruse
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