The
Flip Side of Strength
Everyone says I am strong
but what they do not see
is the crumbling infrastructure
shattering inside of me.
the tears that won't stop falling
the fears that plague my mind
the endless negative chatter
the hope I cannot find.
the sadness from what's missing
the grief from all my losses
the relentless existential crisis
the pain that life continuously tosses
the loneliness that's never ending
the isolation I continue to call
home
the hopelessness that engulfs me
the helplessness that's free to roam
the sleepless nights I cry and think
the wondering if tomorrow's worth
living
the dread of feeling so completely lost
unsure if to life I can keep on going
& giving
the impossible standards I place on
myself
the anxiety that consumes me
the panic that pins me down
never knowing how to set myself free
the treatment resistant depression
the trauma I've endured
the living in "Survivor Mode,"
knowing I will never be truly "cured"
the voice of ED screaming
the demands he fires out
the expectations for "perfection,"
he barks not quietly, but with an
intolerable shout
the OCD so controlling
the endless skin picking causing harm
the intrusive constant irrational
thoughts
are true cause for alarm
the pain that's often intractable
the needing relief but finding none
the unpredictable autoimmune diseases
the inability to enjoy life and have
fun
the self-doubt that binds me
the old "negative tapes" playing
painfully loud
the not knowing who I am
or how of myself, to be proud
the body image issues
the berating of my size
the trying to take recovery steps
but knowing that ED never truly dies
the shame that overwhelms me
the regrets that won't go away
the believing I'm not "good enough"
are forever here to stay.
the past that continuously haunts me
the paralyzing truth so taunting
the unstoppable constant worrying
sustained recovery and hope are so
unbelievably daunting
the wanting to be free from this all
but knowing it's all here to stay
no matter how hard I work or try
It never goes away
A prisoner, I'll be forever
the torture, it always will follow
Every attempt at escape
is eternally & hopelessly hollow
I'm exhausted from fighting
Battle scarred and unrecognizably torn
I don't think I can make it through
My faith is broken and inexplicably
worn
Self destruction pounces
Like a lion on its prey
I feel I lack the strength
to make it to another day
I may appear strong on the outside
But my strength hangs by a single
fraying thread
The unwinnable war going on inside
is bound to leave me dead.
--Pam Burton
March 24, 2019
Everyone says I am strong
but what they do not see
is the crumbling infrastructure
shattering inside of me.
the tears that won't stop falling
the fears that plague my mind
the endless negative chatter
the hope I cannot find.
the sadness from what's missing
the grief from all my losses
the relentless existential crisis
the pain that life continuously tosses
the loneliness that's never ending
the isolation I continue to call
home
the hopelessness that engulfs me
the helplessness that's free to roam
the sleepless nights I cry and think
the wondering if tomorrow's worth
living
the dread of feeling so completely lost
unsure if to life I can keep on going
& giving
the impossible standards I place on
myself
the anxiety that consumes me
the panic that pins me down
never knowing how to set myself free
the treatment resistant depression
the trauma I've endured
the living in "Survivor Mode,"
knowing I will never be truly "cured"
the voice of ED screaming
the demands he fires out
the expectations for "perfection,"
he barks not quietly, but with an
intolerable shout
the OCD so controlling
the endless skin picking causing harm
the intrusive constant irrational
thoughts
are true cause for alarm
the pain that's often intractable
the needing relief but finding none
the unpredictable autoimmune diseases
the inability to enjoy life and have
fun
the self-doubt that binds me
the old "negative tapes" playing
painfully loud
the not knowing who I am
or how of myself, to be proud
the body image issues
the berating of my size
the trying to take recovery steps
but knowing that ED never truly dies
the shame that overwhelms me
the regrets that won't go away
the believing I'm not "good enough"
are forever here to stay.
the past that continuously haunts me
the paralyzing truth so taunting
the unstoppable constant worrying
sustained recovery and hope are so
unbelievably daunting
the wanting to be free from this all
but knowing it's all here to stay
no matter how hard I work or try
It never goes away
A prisoner, I'll be forever
the torture, it always will follow
Every attempt at escape
is eternally & hopelessly hollow
I'm exhausted from fighting
Battle scarred and unrecognizably torn
I don't think I can make it through
My faith is broken and inexplicably
worn
Self destruction pounces
Like a lion on its prey
I feel I lack the strength
to make it to another day
I may appear strong on the outside
But my strength hangs by a single
fraying thread
The unwinnable war going on inside
is bound to leave me dead.
--Pam Burton
March 24, 2019
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