The Burning Carousel Ride of the Bad Boy/Girl
“The Bad Boy.” “The Bad Girl.” The alluring, sex-on-a stick
person who just captures your attention, your heart, your time, your money,
etcetera. How many of us have been
caught up in such a relationship? And how many of us have believed, to one
degree or another, the equivalent of this meme’s humorous sentiment?
“What’s it like partying with you?
Well, it’s a bit like a merry-go-round…
Oh, that’s sounds fun!
I’m not finished yet.”
(And then there’s the image of a carousel ablaze, with fiery
horses. That’s fun).
The burning carousel. Why do we ride the ride, then?
If we know it’s harmful, if we’re only going to get burned by
it, what lures us, in the first place?
The First Burn: Option Versus Exclusive:
“The Bad Boy” or “The Bad Girl” can pursue and persuade us by
the “lack of desperation/confidence” vibe they throw off. Too cool for school.
Someone operating out of abundance. Someone who has it together so much, they
have options galore.
They flirt with us. They wink at us. They make us feel
chosen, like we’re the “one and only.” Only thing is, we are NOT. The harem,
the system, the arrangement is in place to support how while we are led
to feel exclusive and special, we are one of many options in his/her
stable of interested parties.
They may choose to steal kisses and embraces from us, all
while simultaneously being involved with and impregnating someone else. And
they have no shame or conscience about that fact. They may feel they’re
entitled to it. Perhaps they say things like, “You knew the score,”
“We’re all adults here,” and “No one forced you to do this.”
You know, invalidating-to-our-self-esteem kind of statements.
And throughout it all, we can operate from a place of total
commitment, devotion, loyalty, and investment. We hang by the phone, waiting
for their call or text. We abandon our plans and goals, in favor of theirs,
because “it’s just more convenient.” We give our energy, our time, our
resources, all for those intermittent scraps of reward. The look they give us.
The embrace in a dark corner. The validation. And they have it to give because
it requires nothing of them. They, after all, have their first-choice reserve
“elsewhere.” They come our way for the ego stroke, the financial perks, the
carnal satisfaction, whatever we so willingly offer up.
And sooner or later, the carousel ride isn’t so fun, so
thrilling. We get burned. It’s the moment of truth when we realize that they
didn’t love us. They used us. We were a fun, convenient, easy, advantageous
means to an end. And when they are done with us, they move on, sprinting. And
we can be left there, loving them too much, without it being mutual or
meaningful to them, the way they were to us.
Salve For the Burns:
It can sound like cold comfort, to say that we fell for them
because we have loving hearts and spirits; we’re good people. Often, as we get
involved with these individuals, we feel less than. We feel degraded.
Un-chosen.
In the 1990 film, “Dick Tracy,” starring Warren Beatty and
Madonna, there’s a great bit of dialogue between the two characters.
Dick Tracy: “What side are you on?”
Breathless Mahoney: “The side I’m always on…mine.”
We need to choose our side.
“I choose me.”
Really? It’s that easy? It sounds too cliché to work.
After getting burned from an experience with Mr. or Ms.
Unlimited Options, we can lick our wounds, knowing that we have the life wisdom
to now redirect our attention to someone who is truly worth our love, time, and
attention: ourselves.
Now, I hear the eyerolls and the sighs. But this fiery
carousel ride has done us a favor. It has showed us the power of priority, what
it feels like to have top priority, what it feels to have little-to-none. Now,
armed with that experience, we possess the opportunity to practice the
over-used word, “self-care.”
This goes beyond taking a bubble bath. We have the chance to
do a personal emotional autopsy on what had us starving for that situation with
the options kind of person. Did we need attention? Communication? Touch?
Excitement? Whatever our answer is, now we can give ourselves permission
to indulge those hungers through prioritizing our needs. We can pay attention
to ourselves now. Soothing, flirty, self-talk, expressing ourselves through
journaling, art, music, dance, and therapy can ignite our sense of self all
over again… safely.
When we make ourselves the priority, not the convenient
option we may or may not choose consistently, we are less likely, as we
gradually, and, yes, slowly, heal, we become a smidge more bullet-proof toward
the next exploitive individual.
We learn we don’t need to be chosen because we already are.
We choose ourselves.
The Second Burn: “The Charming Psyche Destroyer:”
Again, this alluring person can approach us, disarming us
with some form of exciting attention, seemingly, lavished upon us in an
overwhelming way. We feel good about this, wanted, chosen.
And this often sets the stage for the predator to
inflict damage on our psyches. For eventually, that attention becomes filled
with a darker edge, or vacillates between two opposing mixed messages of how we
are good/no good.
A new acquaintance can initially, for instance, compliment
us, flirt with us, fixating their bedroom eyes upon us.
Wow. We feel desired.
We, therefore, may long to “bump into” them at school, work,
or in our community. We live for the bits of attention, that build us up. They
have a way of making us feel so good. However, after a short period of time, the
attention they pay us becomes laced with some backhanded compliments. Maybe,
they make a comment about our personality, our appearance, or correct us for
making a mistake.
“Are you sure you should wear that?
“When someone asks you, ‘how are you?’ you don’t respond,
with ‘Fine.’ You say, ‘I’m well.’ The word, ‘fine’ is used to describe food or
hair, not your current state of being.”
Suddenly, now, those
remarks undermine us.
But again, these people may be exciting, desirable,
popular, and even “experts.” So, we reason, maybe their points are
valid. And, after all, they have paid such intense attention to us, validating
us in other ways. Surely, it is we who are taking things “too personally.”
Salve For the Burns:
Life is filled with misunderstandings and honest mistakes.
But there’s a major difference between those circumstances and instances in
which we have felt zapped, gutted, and slimed. When it seems to be indirect,
passive-aggressive, and a means to “take us down a peg,” we genuinely feel it.
We feel the smirk and the power imbalance.
Therefore, we need to recognize this is real for us. And
valid. Perhaps, it may not have been intentional once, but if it keeps
happening, that is a pattern, not a mistake.
And, bottom line, we still feel awful about ourselves. Why do
we want to keep experiencing that?
We can approach the person, address them about the incident,
calmly observing their reaction. Remorse? Defensiveness? Superiority? Or do
they even double down, aiming even more severely, for our throats?
Watch. If it’s no big deal, and the person is not a sadist,
he/she will apologize, and that behavior won’t happen again.
But if they are a psyche destroyer, they will not take
ownership for their actions, and find a way to make us feel wrong, stupid,
ashamed, and worthless.
How do we feel when we’re around them? How do we really
feel? That reaction is real, informative, and protective. Let it be the
bodyguard that can keep us safe.
The Third Burn: The Narcissist in Plain Sight:
This can, perhaps, be the most disturbing person we come
across. This person declares, “I’m a Narcissist.” With that unnerving
statement, they can come across as brazen, “self-aware,” “self-deprecating,”
even refreshingly honest. But are they?
We are drawn to this person, possibly impressed by their
self-assessment. We may believe there is honor in them knowing they have these
flaws. Hey, at least they’re aware of it and working on it, right? They
may spout phrases like, “work in progress,” “nobody’s perfect,” and “I’m
focused on becoming a better person.”
These are all lovely sentiments, tickling our ears with hope
and the perceived need to extend patience to our fellow human being. Those of
us codependent types may even desire to save him/her. We just need to support
them until they figure out their issues and transcend their Narcissism.
No problem. Everyone enjoys a project, right?
But we wait and wait and wait and wait. Meanwhile, they keep
being the Narcissist. And, if we dare complain, they retort with such arguments
as, “You knew, going in, who/what I was,” “I’m trying my best here,” and “You
said you’d support me. Why aren’t you doing that?”
We can be made to feel like the unhealthy, maladjusted one.
After all, they were upfront and honest. We didn’t need to get involved with
them; we chose to do so.
Therefore, this fun, “refreshing honesty” of the Narcissist
is now weaponized against us. It is no longer fun.
It can help to get some perspective
on the motives of this supposedly refreshingly honest Narcissist. They declare
they are they way they are, not to warn us, not for our best interest, but for
theirs. It is in their best interest, using their self-aware
declarations, all to manipulate others. It can serve as a “get out of jail free
card” to allow them to keep doing what they do, without any pesky
accountability or expectation from us to, I don’t know, actually change.
They won’t. They can’t. Our best
friend, concerning that disturbing tidbit, can be radical acceptance. The
cessation of romanticizing hope, of fashioning them into our fantasy as the
cute little fixer upper. They are not that.
They are, instead, “the taker
downer.”
Shy of getting out of the
relationship, which may not always be possible, it would serve us well to
realize their declarations are designed help them, not us. What we do with that
stark reality is up to us.
The Common Burning Denominator?
Us.
That’s the jarring, inconvenient
answer. We are not the non-participating bystander here. We are engaged.
And we are responsible for seeking
our own help, for changing our responses to these tempting, fiery people if we
want to get off the ride already. And some of us need to deal with another fun
possibility: we may not want to stop the riding the ride.
Whatever the case may be, we do not
deserve to be burned by harmful relationships.
We deserve fun that doesn’t damage
us.
Copyright
© 2022 by Sheryle Cruse
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