Thursday, October 13, 2022

Misunderstanding: Committed to a Toxic Commitment

 


Empathy?

The milk of human kindness?

Walking in another’s shoes?

Being non-judgmental?

Those are the ideals, aren’t they? Life is tough; human beings are imperfect. So, we should be compassionate towards one another, right?

A definition of self-care is choosing not to argue with someone who is committed to misunderstanding you and me.

So, why are some people so committed to misunderstanding us?

One possible theory…

They cannot relate to- or have no experience with- another person’s struggles.

Well-meaning people. Well-intentioned people. Often, those are just code words for “clueless.” It’s not to be negative; it’s simply to point out how some people have no frame of reference for some deep-issue stuff of life: abuse, addiction, trauma, illness. They may mean very well with their unsolicited advice or platitudes. But they do not know whereof they speak.

The person who encourages an abused woman to “just work it out with him…”

The person who compares someone’s addiction to alcohol to their penchant for lattes…

The person who tells a traumatized person, “I know exactly how you feel…”

The person who inserts what would be their choice of cancer treatment upon a person who is facing their gauntlet of difficult choices…

Why are they committed to misunderstanding?

Why do people take these stances when it comes to struggling individuals?

I think, in explaining this possible reason, it may have to do with the well-meaning intention of someone who wants to help. However, they can be oblivious to the potential reality that their very “help” may be more harmful instead.

They do not know whereof they speak. If a person comes from a healthy family or marriage, has no addictive tendencies, has not been crippled by a life-altering event, or has barely had a cold or flu within their lifetimes, it can be difficult to get the gravity of just how bad a circumstance is. Maybe the victim or the survivor looks great, appears to have a great handle on things, or that affected person supposedly could benefit “so much more” if only that person would follow the advice giver’s directives.

All better now.

Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy.

The Alternative Commitment Instead:

How about the gentle ask instead? What if we just don’t go in assuming (because, you know what they say about assuming)? What if we slowly, quietly, respectfully ask the question, “Is there anything I can do to help?’

Oh, and mean it when we ask the question.

What if we admit to ourselves, and to the person we’re encountering, that we don’t know about their issues, and we certainly don’t know about their lives?

But we are willing-and able- to learn?

What kind of commitment will be shown then?

Another possible explanation for the misunderstanding commitment?

“They” want what they want, no matter what the cost may be.

Machiavellian.

The ends justify the means.

Eye on the prize.

Focus.

Horse blinders.

Being goal-oriented.

It doesn’t necessarily matter what we call it, its hallmarks seem to be the same: they get what they want at others’ expense, specifically, our expense. We are collateral damage to their vision, delusion, goal, desire, and unmet need.

Nothing seems to stand in their way. Including us.

Ouch. That is painful. Really? We are that expendable?

Yep.

They can emotionally blackmail and shame us into shelling out money, doing painful things for them, like attending a hostile family function, perhaps with a sweet expression and tone in their voice. We find ourselves showing up, giving them the help, the attention, and the consideration at said event.

And they have no problem, whatsoever, cursing us out, humiliating us, and even asking for still more money and favors, because somehow, in their minds, they feel that we owe it to them.

Why are they committed to misunderstanding?

Short answer? They don’t care about us. We do not register value to them, in any way. They refuse to see us, hear us, consider us, and, of course, respect us. They don’t need to do so, in their opinion.

They don’t want to understand… so they don’t.

The Alternative Commitment Instead:

Here’s where we truly encounter the universal truth: we can only control our responses, not someone else’s. A bitter pill to swallow, but worth mentioning as, this kind of person will not self-reflect or be interested in treating us any differently than they have been doing already. It’s working for them. Why should they change?

Therefore, the alternative commitment, on our part, needs to be one of brutal acceptance of the limited situation. We need to forsake the toxic hope they will change. They have shown us how they choose to live. It is wasted time and energy to wait on their epiphany. They don’t see that there is any epiphany to be had. If anything, we should see the light, their light. We should come around, be the whipping boy or girl, fall in line, never critically think, or ask questions. Obedience to them is the epiphany they feel we need to give to them. Refusal to do so makes us the villain, them, the victim.

No-win. Don’t try. Opt out and live life without their approval. They’ll make sure we never get it, anyway.

This next possible explanation for commitment to misunderstanding us falls on the heels of the last one.

They are entitled, and this entitlement trumps truth and facts.

How does one explain entitlement? We can feel it when we encounter it, but explaining it? Not so easy. A short answer is entitlement exists for any myriad of reasons, unrealistic, demanding, selfish and self-centered reasons that defy logic and normalcy.

Nevertheless, when entitlement is the running chicken with its head cut off, we need to deal with its impact. And that impact means their world view is more important than truth or facts.

Sure, no problem adapting to that.

Why are they committed to misunderstanding?

Again, they want what they want, no matter what. They won’t let anyone, or anything stop them from expecting and achieving that for themselves. The law of the land? Nope. Human decency? Are you kidding? Gravity? They’re jumping off a roof right now, to prove their point and stress us out further.

The Alternative Commitment Instead:

Again, the onus, unfairly, often resides with us, since, many times, “they” are not willing, nor capable, of changing their behavior in a healthier direction.

We need to recalibrate our expectations as we choose to encounter them, and as we choose the level of interaction involved. No contact? Low contact? A conscious understanding they will practice their bad behavior? How much will we be affected by that? Can we handle that?

Nope, it’s not fair. It’s necessary on our part, nevertheless.

We need to self-protect; we need to self-care. And that must become our focus.

We are worth doing so.

Yes, it is a shift in thinking. We take our power back, constructively, as we work to remove their toxic powerful hold over us. It’s not a neat, tidy, painless process.

But, if we make the commitment to ourselves to practice it, however imperfectly, it is worth it in the long run.

Still more fun possibilities regarding their commitment to misunderstanding us?

They want to believe what they believe about us.

They have decided. And we weren’t a part of that decision process.

Why are they committed to misunderstanding?

We are what we are to them. And they will entertain no other explanation, expansion, or complicated facet to that decision.

They have decided. It’s done.

The Alternative Commitment Instead:

Again, their commitment, by virtue of a mercenary situation, needs to come back to our deliberate response and choice. What will we do now? They only see us as black and white, rigid, one-dimensional, and an inaccurate perception. How will we view ourselves… and them?

It’s our move.

It’s a unique, personal, imperfect, ongoing, daily, and painful process. No sugarcoating it.

The overarching theme here?

We Must Make Understanding, Choosing, Loving, and Protecting OURSELVES the Priority.

No two snowflakes are alike. What that daunting challenge represents for you will not be the same as it is for me. No right or wrong there. Just the individual, the unique, the personal. How is that manifested in each human being? That is the work of the rewarding, the life-changing, the life-sustaining, commitment.

Let’s get to committing to it, no matter who, or what, has affected our lives.

Copyright © 2022 by Sheryle Cruse


 

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