“I hate myself; I’m so ugly, disgusting and
stupid.”
“I
hate myself. There’s nothing good about me.”
As an eating disorder recovery activist, I am astounded by
the number of young people who approach me with such intense self-loathing. But
whenever I ask them why they feel
that way, I usually get this response:
“I
don’t know.”
Statistics show…
“One in
every 200 girls between 13 and 19 years old, or one-half of one percent, cut
themselves regularly.”
“About 20 percent
of teens will experience depression before they reach adulthood.”
“Suicide is the
third- leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year olds in America.”
It reminds me, of the South Pacific musical number, “You’ve
Got To Be Carefully Taught.” Its theme was learning racism. However, the song’s
lyrics also too eerily teach self-hatred:
“You’ve
got to be taught to hate and fear. You’ve got to be taught from year to year. It
has to be drummed in your dear little ear. You’ve got to be carefully taught…”
Unrealistic body images, consumerism, and conditional love
statements are just a few examples of things which are “carefully taught.” And
we usually don’t see the damage until years later when, “all of a sudden,”
someone has an eating disorder. And then we ask what happened?
The reality is, often times, eating disorder sufferers and
self-injurers, kids suffering from this self-hatred, are the “good kids.”
They’re the pleasers, the overachievers and the ones we tell ourselves we’ll “never
have to worry about.”
Perhaps, we didn’t teach these kids as carefully as we should have about their inherent,
everlasting value. The kids learned all too much, all too often, harmful, manipulative
and distorted self-worth lessons. Whether it’s the preferential treatment of high
school popularity, bullying or the emphasis of celebrity status, what is often
conveyed is only “beautiful people” are worthy.
In addition, the toxic message of “conditional love” is also
bombarding our youth. It can come from popular culture, school or even from the
family unit itself. Whether it’s conscious or not, intentional or not, the
message is this: results are prized, warranting love, affection and positive
affirmation. If, however, the individual does not obtain these desired results, then he/she is worthless.
I have experienced this conditional love message myself.
“I
desperately wanted my dad to notice me…My perfect attendance record in school
is an excellent example. For three years in a row, I did not missed one day…knowing
that I would win a perfect attendance certificate, proof I was worthwhile…So
for the next few years, I went to school with colds, sore throats and
influenza…
When
I reached junior high, I became so sick I had to stay home…After three days home,
my dad…decided he would take me into school...he was fuming…I got up the nerve
to ask him, “Do you still love me?” His answer? “If you do this again, I
won’t.” …I had to prove myself in order to be loved...”
(Excerpt
taken from Cruse’s book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living
Death of an Eating Disorder”)
Just like I did, years ago, vulnerable youth are often left
to personalize the conditional love message. Besides eating disorders, body
image and self-esteem issues, addictions, self-injury, and suicidal
thoughts/actions can also occur.
These messages exalt a temporary or nonexistent estimation,
like image, fame, achievement or money to make someone loveable and valuable. When
we, therefore, subscribe god-like importance to these qualifiers, cries for
help often occur.
Love must begin with self.
We may nod our heads at that statement, but we still have so much difficulty living – and teaching- it. We can hate ourselves in the name of achieving acceptance,
popularity, success and unrealistic beauty/image standards. Yes, it’s sobering
to know we can, indeed, model it before the impressionable eyes watching us.
How many addictions, disorders and suicides does it take?
Who’s expendable enough to be the sacrificial lamb? When does the insane self-hatred
lesson stop being taught?
I’m including
some pointers regarding the emphasis too often placed on young peoples’
appearance/worth. It all starts in childhood.
1) Don’t comment on a child’s physical
appearance. There’s no setting in which it’s appropriate. Kids need to be kids,
free from the importance of a thin appearance.
2) Don’t criticize an overweight physical
stature. You’re not an expert; you’re not a doctor. If there’s a legitimate
health concern, deal with it in a health context, not in the context of your
personal appearance opinions.
3) Don’t recommend dieting. Again, if
there’s a legitimate health issue, work with trained doctors, nutritionists and
therapists to resolve it. But believing your own “fix it” plan of placing a
child on a diet may do more harm than good. You could be setting that child up
for a lifetime of negative self-esteem and body image issues.
4) Don’t praise the child for a thinner
body; don’t compare the child with another child’s physique. Again, this is
unhealthy. You’re sending a toxic message that the child is inferior and will
not be “okay” unless and until he/she whittles down to the particular desired
weight.
5) DO validate the child, as is. Let
him/her know there’s nothing which can add or detract from their lovability,
value and uniqueness. The child is wonderful as is. Period. Therefore, teach
this truth to your child as soon as he/she is old enough to understand.
We, as the adults, can teach
different lessons to our youth. But we need to be aware, willing and armed to
do so.
It IS up to us. What do we
carefully- or carelessly- teach?
Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse
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