Enough

When I was a college theatre major, I performed a monologue from Christopher Durang’s “'Denity Crisis” in my acting class.

“...You remember how, in the second act, Tinkerbell drinks some poison that Peter's about to drink, in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that Tinkerbell's going to die because not enough people believe in fairies, but that if everybody in the audience claps real hard to show that they do believe in fairies, then maybe Tinkerbell won't die…. and so then all the children started to clap…. we clapped very hard and very long…. my palms hurt and even started to bleed I clapped so hard…. then suddenly the actress playing Peter Pan turned to the audience and she said, ‘that wasn't enough. You didn't clap hard enough. Tinkerbell's dead.’  Uh…well, and… and then everyone started to cry. The actress stalked offstage and refused to continue with the play, and they finally had to bring down the curtain. No one could see anything through all the tears, and the ushers had to come help the children up the aisles and out into the street. I don't think I was ever the same after that.”

One word: enough.

This business of earning grace, love and worth can wreak havoc. It drives many of us, in some attempt to self-soothe. We reason no matter what we do or do not do in life, it’s not “enough.” We can find ourselves in a state of paralysis.

We come from a survival place of just getting through this thing called life. We believe the best we can hope for is, while paralyzed, is to numb and comfort ourselves with our beloved addiction.

We can call it multi-tasking, being goal- oriented or doing some trouble shooting. Still, we are bombarded by the demanding assessment…

“‘that wasn't enough. You didn't clap hard enough. Tinkerbell's dead.’”

There’s a popular self-esteem exercise which challenges us to rethink what it means to be on the adequacy/inadequacy spectrum. For those of us who are prone to black and white, all or nothing thinking, this confronts how, when we think the absolute worst of ourselves, we tend to see ourselves as being complete failures, as being inherently worthless, talentless, stupid and incompetent.

The other end of this oppressive spectrum, in our minds, is complete and total perfection and competence. It means we have reached an “enough” status. We are smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough, talented enough, lovable enough, on and on… You get the picture.

Until we are that, we are nothing, again, according to our harsh and mistaken minds.

But really, the more accurate, more human, perspective is our placement on the continuum of skills and capabilities. We are somewhere in the middle.

Our harsh inner critic often doesn’t take kindly to that assertion. Perfection is a demanding taskmaster, promising fulfilled dreams and a pain-less existence. We set ourselves up for devastation when we expect that promise to be thoroughly realized in our lives.

But it’s not hopeless. For, along with the realistic approach to the adequacy spectrum exists one important antidote word: Nevertheless.

Here’s a few statements to shout down that inner critic’s inaccurate and harmful self-assessment:

Harsh Inner Critic Assessment: “I can’t do anything right.”

Nevertheless Antidote: “I have failed at something. Something has not worked out. Nevertheless, I am still here, still breathing, still a person of value, even though I cannot quite experience it in this moment.”

Harsh Inner Critic Assessment: “I keep screwing up.”

Nevertheless Antidote: “I have had successes in my life. I have done a number of things well. I may have failed here, nevertheless, things are not over for me. I will succeed again.”

Harsh Inner Critic Assessment: “It’s over.”

Nevertheless Antidote: “It feels over. Nevertheless, it is not. My perception in this moment is not the end-all, be-all of reality.”

Yes, life, inevitably, deals us some trauma, pain or negative experiences which reinforce how, indeed, we did not clap hard enough.

Perhaps our marriage failed...

Perhaps someone died...

Perhaps we lost our career, our financial stability or our reputation...

Maybe we’re given a particular diagnosis or health challenge…

So now, our personal Tinkerbell, because of imperfect life and self, can feel dead.

All the more reason, within these moments, to embrace and execute a countering assertion in the face of the notorious demand…

Enough is enough.

We need to challenge our definition of what “enough” means.

Is it perfection?

Is it pain-free?

Is it consequence-less?

Just what are we expecting when we place “enough” as a demand, upon ourselves?

Human beings are flawed and fragile. We need to recognize and honor that. To demand superhuman of our human condition is abusive.

And it doesn’t work.

Even if/when we achieve some measure of an elusive “enough” status, inevitably, something will break down. “Enough,” especially within the realm of perfection, and “all- needs- completely- met” expectation, is not sustainable. Being human will trump that. Just wait.

I love a quote uttered from the late, great tennis phenomenon, Arthur Ashe:

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”

Notice, there was no utterance of perfection or unrealistic promise. Instead, his statement exudes…

“Enough is enough.”

That always applies to you and I. Tinkerbell may live; she may die. But our inherent “enough” status exists and remains.

Nothing can ever kill that.

Copyright © 2019 by Sheryle Cruse