Easy On the Sugar?

Viewing this ad  from the 1950’s makes my blood boil.

It typifies the hostile, non-supportive sentiments unfortunately shared by the very people who are supposed to love us unconditionally. Ideally, that should be our spouses.

Unfortunately, often that is not the case. Comments and frustration can all too often be expressed by spouses who don’t know what to do with a wife who has disordered eating of any kind.

My dad was one such individual. As a child, I remember him making hostile and humiliating remarks to my mother. She battled her weight for most of her life. And, during her marriage to my dad, she was overweight.

So, in addition to learning the importance of being thin and how to diet, I also learned how marriage was a hostile state of affairs. There was no unconditional love; there were rigid standards. There was no sensitivity; there were attacking barbs. There were no terms of endearment; there were only offensive names made at my mother’s expense.

This reality was part of what drove me to attempt to keep my eating disorder reality a secret from my husband. I didn’t want to set myself up as a target for ridicule and rejection.

Somewhere, even in spite of Russell showing me otherwise, I still harbored that fear as a certain reality.

“...I met Russell when I transferred schools. We were both theatre students and met in the college drama department when I was a junior. We stayed on friendly, acquaintance-level terms through my graduation. He was sweet to me, and possessed a dry sense of humor. It made for supportive, interesting and funny conversations. Still, I looked at him the way I looked at other guys: a nice friend, but still someone who must never know all of my ugly weaknesses.

            ...For example, on Valentine’s Day, he stopped by my dorm room. Of course, I had been on my stair stepper for hours and wouldn’t come to the door. I kept yelling over the music, ‘I’m not done yet!’ He waited as long as he could, but eventually he had to leave for work. When I finally finished my routine, I got my stuff together and headed for the dorm showers. When I opened my door, there was an overwhelmingly huge bouquet of balloons and a card. He had waited for at least a half-hour for me, just to give me this sweet gift. All I said to him was ‘I’m not done yet.’ I felt like the biggest jerk in the world.

            When we did fall in love and start to date, I added new fears to my already long list. The prospect of someone being close enough to truly know me was scary. I knew that, sooner or later, I would have to tell him the ugly truth about myself.

            Moving from dating to engagement was difficult for me. I had yet to tell him any of what I’d experienced, and I felt more and more guilty about lying to him. Every time we went out to eat, I’d pretend not to have issues with food and weight. I hated feeling like a liar, but I was scared that he’d reject me if he knew the truth. What man, in his right mind, looks for all of this mess in a mate? I knew when I told him that he wouldn’t want me anymore. It bothered me constantly. He sensed something was wrong, of course, asked me about it. What do I tell him?

            As we prepared for our wedding, I finally mentioned to him that I had a secret I wasn’t ready to share with him yet. Of course, he was curious and wanted to know right then and there, but he displayed patient understanding. He told me that he loved me and that it didn’t matter what it was. He didn’t pressure me to tell him. He knew there was a secret and left it at that. Even though his response helped me feel freer and safer, I still felt guilt pulling at me. I began wanting to tell him. After all, he’d been so incredible with everything else I’d told him. He knew about my family secrets. He knew all about my weaknesses aside from the eating disorders. He knew about all that yet still chose to love me. But I kept thinking, ‘don’t press your luck.’

 ...I don’t endorse my secrecy from my husband. I believe it is vital any young woman suffering from eating disorders be honest and forthcoming with her future husband. Marriage is a holy covenant and a serious commitment, and I believe you need to share all of the truth. Even now, I now look back and often wonder how many tears, how many problems, and how much pain I could have avoided if I just simply told him. The truth really does set you free. And in telling him, once again, I discovered, the worst did not happen.

            The time for truth came a couple of weeks after we were married. It was our first Thanksgiving together, and we had been married for only twelve days. I was still feeling relieved that I made it through the nuptials. Russ and I did the cutesy newlywed couple ‘this is the first mashed potatoes we’ve made together’ and ‘this is our first stuffing and cranberry sauce’ thing. We both ate our holiday feast, and I had tried not to think about all of the calories.

            True to form, however, I proceeded to exercise after the meal, trying to burn off ‘the damage.’ Russell thought this was strange and unnecessary; it was a holiday, after all. He told me to just relax and enjoy the day. I, of course, repeatedly told him that I couldn’t until I’d exercised. The conversation continued while I was on the stair stepper for two hours. But I saw a new look on his face: hurt. I was forfeiting my time with him, my brand new husband, to climb steps that weren’t going anywhere? I was so tired of keeping this secret, and I wanted to explain myself so badly to him. The only way I could explain it was to tell him the whole story from the beginning. First, I played an alternative rock song, an anthem, a coping mechanism for me to deal with the eating disorders. It was an angry loud song of rage, and I thought that it would tell him clearly what I’d been through. It didn’t. He didn’t understand it. I took a deep breath, realizing, ‘No, Sheryle, the song isn’t going to tell him. You are.’”

(Excerpt taken from Cruse’s book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death Of An Eating Disorder”)

And so I did.

And the worst didn’t happen. He didn’t leave me, throw me out in the street, call me worthless and tell me how much he hated me. No. He looked at me, asked me, “This is the big secret?” He hugged me, told me he loved me, and told me I was beautiful. I didn’t have to lie, hide, and pretend anymore in front of the man I loved. I felt a little freer.

His response is the comforting ideal; I wish everyone could experience that loving reaction. And, years later, he’s been with me as I’ve gone through therapy, issues and all manner of ugly, painful truth. It’s been empowering.

Because of that, I’ve asked Russell to offer his perspective, as my husband, dealing with the eating disorder from the outside. The dilemma, of course, is that it’s never truly outside when you love the person who is affected by the disorder(s).

Nevertheless, Russell has some words of encouragement and help for those of you husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers, friends and sons out there.

Sheryle: What did you know about eating disorders before you and I got involved?

Russell: I knew about them peripherally, but had no real knowledge about them. I’d heard of anorexia and bulimia but knew little about what they were.

S: What are the “do’s” in dealing with a girlfriend, wife, loved one who has eating disorders of any kind?

R: Be supportive; be understanding and open to listening to them if they talk to you about it. Do seek help for both yourself and your loved one. Educate yourself on what is going on because having an idea what you are dealing with is a good thing.

S: What are the “don’t’s” in dealing with a girlfriend, wife, loved one who has eating disorders of any kind?

R: Don’t assign blame, don’t bargain or try to coerce the person into eating: it doesn’t work. Don’t allow the person’s illness to become the overwhelming force in your life because that helps no one. Don’t be judgmental because that is a component of the “control” issue and reinforces their wrong thinking.

S: What’s the most frustrating thing about living with/loving someone who struggles with disordered eating?

R: Knowing there is nothing you can do but try to be supportive and understanding in the face of their continued practices. Not being able to enjoy certain things without fear of triggering their disordered patterns.

S: What would you tell boyfriends, husbands and male loved ones right now, about eating disorders?

R: One: It has nothing to do with you. This is something the sufferer did to themselves and your only requirements are to help and be supportive of attempts to get help.
Second: There is no way you can “fix” this. Only when the sufferer chooses to get help for their problem can any progress be made.

S: Any other advice?

R: Always let the person know you love them, no matter what. I think it’s important they know they are loved but there is a line you shouldn’t cross.

Concerning my parents and their relationship, the unfortunate thing was that, on some level, my dad thought his actions were helpful. He thought by focusing on my mother’s weight issue, making fun of her and emphasizing how she shouldn’t eat “this or that,” he was doing her a favor.

 It was the exact opposite. I saw how obsessed she became about her weight and dieting; I saw a woman who never accepted herself. I witnessed the hell which came from that self-rejection, first with her, then as I struggled with my own disordered eating and images issues.

My relationship with Russell has shown me it doesn’t have to be that way. He never flinched at my ugly truth revelations. He loves me. He supports me.

That’s what should be in any image, not “easy on the sugar.”

Copyright © 2014 by Sheryle Cruse