“It takes one to know one.”

Years ago, actress, Tracey Gold, best known for her role in the 1980’s sitcom, “Growing Pains,” came out about her eating disorder struggles; she was featured as the cover story on at least two issues of “People Magazine” concerning her story.

And, when these magazines came out, although I didn’t want to admit it, I was drawn to her like a kindred spirit. I had been struggling with disordered eating, manifesting as anorexic low weights, which later morphed into bulimic weight gain. I was out of control and miserable. And I didn’t want to face reality; it was too ugly.

Nevertheless, I secretly read the articles, relating to her experience. I was curious and desperate for connection, for shared experience. I wanted to know there was some hope out there.

Still, much to my dismay, I had my own uncomfortable reality checks along the way; I wasn’t to this issue, even though I felt I was completely alone. Around this time, I had a few encounters with an acquaintance, a fellow anorexic. It seemed I kept running into her. And, each time we met, she read my mail, gently confronting me.

“It takes one to know one.”

Of course, I was not ready for that!

And years later, at my first book signing in Oregon, I had another encounter.

A young anorexic woman was eyeing me, keeping her distance, for the entire four hours of the signing event. She was gaunt and she kept pacing in front of the bookstore. Finally, she rushed the book table, spurting, “I had gone through it, but not the six hour exercise stuff you did.” And then she took off.

Perhaps she wanted help, but was still spooked by the discomfort of her reality. It showed me, however, the very real truth that, when we are in any kind of dysfunction or disorder, there’s still a part of us which wants help and connection.

“...It is not good that the man should be alone...”

Genesis 2:18

Indeed, if from the start, God firmly believes isolation is not good for us, why do we insist of attempting to be alone with our issues?

These two situations, spread out across many years, highlight just how powerful connection is. Yes, it’s scary; yes, there’s risk of rejection, pain and discomfort. Nevertheless, we need it.

“The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
to all who CALL upon Him in TRUTH.”
Psalm 145:18

“The truth shall set you free.”

John 8:32

Right now, is there someone out there who is experiencing the exact same thing as we are? It’s worth reaching out. Perhaps, if we approached the adage of, “It takes one to know one” with an outlook of help and healing, instead of as a threat, we’d experience who we truly are supposed to be.

And yes, freedom is a part of that.

When You Want to Help Someone You Care About

What to do if…

If your child is younger than 18

Get professional help immediately. You have a legal and moral responsibility to get your child the care s/he needs. Don’t let tears, tantrums, or promises to do better stop you. Begin with a physical exam and psychological evaluation.

If the physician recommends hospitalization, do it. People die from these disorders, and sometimes they need a structured time out to break entrenched patterns.

If the counselor asks you to participate in family sessions, do so. Children spend only a few hours a week with their counselors. The rest of the time they live with their families. You need as many tools as you can get to help your child learn new ways of coping with life.

If your friend is younger than 18

Tell a trusted adult—parent, teacher, coach, pastor, school nurse, school counselor, etc.—about your concern. If you don’t, you may unwittingly help your friend avoid the treatment s/he needs to get better.

Even though it would be hard, consider telling your friend’s parents why you are concerned. S/he may be hiding unhealthy behaviors from them, and they deserve to know so they can arrange help and treatment. If you cannot bear to do this yourself, ask your parents or perhaps the school nurse for help.

If the person is older than 18

Legally the person is now an adult and can refuse treatment if s/he is not ready to change. Nevertheless, reach out. Tell her/him that you are concerned. Be gentle. Suggest that there has to be a better way to deal with life than starving and stuffing. Encourage professional help, but expect resistance and denial. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink—even when he is thirsty—if he is determined to follow his own path.

Some Things to Do…

•• Talk to the person when you are calm, not frustrated or emotional. Be kind. The person is probably ashamed and fears criticism and rejection.

•• Mention evidence you have heard or seen that suggests disordered eating. Don’t dwell on appearance or weight. Instead talk about health, relationships (withdrawal?), and mood.

•• Realize that the person will not change until s/he wants to.

•• Provide information. http://www.anred.com

•• Be supportive and caring. Be a good listener and don’t give advice unless you are asked to do so. Even then, be prepared to have it ignored.

•• Continue to suggest professional help. Don’t pester. Don’t give up either.

•• Ask: “Is what you are doing really working to get you what you want?”

•• Talk about the advantages of recovery and a normal life.

•• Agree that recovery is hard, but emphasize that many people have done it.

•• If s/he is frightened to see a counselor, offer to go with her the first time.

•• Realize that recovery is the person’s responsibility, not yours.

•• Resist guilt. Do the best you can and then be gentle with yourself.

Some Things Not to Do…

•• Never nag, plead, beg, bribe, threaten, or manipulate. These things don’t work.

•• Avoid power struggles. You will lose.

•• Never criticize or shame. These tactics are cruel, and the person will withdraw.

•• Don’t pry. Respect privacy.

•• Don’t be a food monitor. You will create resentment and distance in the relationship.

•• Don’t try to control. The person will withdraw and ultimately outwit you.

•• Don’t waste time trying to reassure your friend that s/he is not fat. S/he will not be convinced.

•• Don’t get involved in endless conversations about weight, food, and calories. They make matters worse.

•• Don’t give advice unless asked.

•• Don’t expect the person to follow your advice even if s/he asked for it.

•• Don’t say, “You are too thin.” S/he will secretly celebrate.

•• Don’t say, “It’s good you have gained weight.” S/he will lose it.

•• Don’t let the person always decide when, what, and where you will eat. She should not control everything, every time.

•• Don’t ignore stolen food and evidence of purging. Insist on responsibility.

•• Don’t overestimate what you can accomplish.

ANRED: When You Want to Help Someone You Care About. <http://www.anred.com/hlp.html>. Used with permission.

When You Decide to Tell Someone

(from my personal experience):

•• Tell someone you trust and feel comfortable talking with, like a pastor, counselor, family member or friend.

•• Don’t dwell on their anticipated reaction. They may or may not receive the disclosure well. It can be a difficult thing for someone to handle. Remember that.

•• Keep the disclosure honest, simple and to the point: “I have an eating disorder and I need your help.”

•• Be honest and open with where you are now and what you are doing.

•• If it helps make things easier, give the person a book on the eating disorder or write a letter to explain your situation and answer any questions they may have.

•• Don’t take their reactions personally. You are not to blame if they don’t take the news well.

•• Choose professional help whenever possible to be a part of your support system. A pastor or counselor familiar with the treatment of eating disorders can help in your treatment.

•• Surround yourself with a positive group of supporters who desire to love and encourage you.

•• Be patient with yourself and with others during this process. It takes time.

•• Be proud of yourself for this step! It shows tremendous courage on your part.

(From Cruse’s book, “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living death Of An Eating Disorder”)

Copyright © 2014 by Sheryle Cruse