Roommates

I happened upon this photo, taken with my first college roommates, early freshman year.

Little did I know, however, a year later, I’d be confronted in an intervention. Little did I know, a year later, I’d be also fully entrenched in my eating disorder behaviors. But, I was.

This time of year, numerous young people are beginning a major change in their lives; they are starting life, beyond high school. It’s been noted that this time, often occurring in a college setting, is a particularly vulnerable time for eating disorders to fully flourish. Major life changes, stress, loneliness and an attempt for independence, control and security all play a role in eating disorder development for many young people.
The roommate experience is also often part of this major life change.

Therefore, if you see your roommate struggling, please do all you can to get them help.

When You Want to Help Someone You Care About…

If the person is older than 18…
Legally the person is now an adult and can refuse treatment if s/he is not ready to change. Nevertheless, reach out. Tell her/him that you are concerned. Be gentle. Suggest that there has to be a better way to deal with life than starving and stuffing. Encourage professional help, but expect resistance and denial. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink—even when he is thirsty—if he is determined to follow his own path.

Some Things to Do…

•• Talk to the person when you are calm, not frustrated or emotional. Be kind. The person is probably ashamed and fears criticism and rejection.
•• Mention evidence you have heard or seen that suggests disordered eating. Don’t dwell on appearance or weight. Instead talk about health, relationships (withdrawal?), and mood.
•• Realize that the person will not change until s/he wants to.
•• Provide information. http://www.anred.com/
•• Be supportive and caring. Be a good listener and don’t give advice unless you are asked to do so. Even then, be prepared to have it ignored.
•• Continue to suggest professional help. Don’t pester. Don’t give up either.
•• Ask: “Is what you are doing really working to get you what you want?”
•• Talk about the advantages of recovery and a normal life.
•• Agree that recovery is hard, but emphasize that many people have done it.
•• If s/he is frightened to see a counselor, offer to go with her the first time.
•• Realize that recovery is the person’s responsibility, not yours.
•• Resist guilt. Do the best you can and then be gentle with yourself.

Some Things Not to Do…

•• Never nag, plead, beg, bribe, threaten, or manipulate. These things don’t work. Avoid power struggles. You will lose.
•• Never criticize or shame. These tactics are cruel, and the person will withdraw.
•• Don’t pry. Respect privacy.
•• Don’t be a food monitor. You will create resentment and distance in the relationship.
•• Don’t try to control. The person will withdraw and ultimately outwit you.
•• Don’t waste time trying to reassure your friend that s/he is not fat. S/he will not be convinced.
•• Don’t get involved in endless conversations about weight, food, and calories. They make matters worse.
•• Don’t give advice unless asked.
•• Don’t expect the person to follow your advice even if s/he asked for it.
•• Don’t say, “You are too thin.” S/he will secretly celebrate.
•• Don’t say, “It’s good you have gained weight.” S/he will lose it.
•• Don’t let the person always decide when, what, and where you will eat. She should not control everything, every time.
•• Don’t ignore stolen food and evidence of purging. Insist on responsibility.
•• Don’t overestimate what you can accomplish.

ANRED: When You Want to Help Someone You Care About. . Used with permission.





There is help!
God Bless!